The Weight of Our Choices
by AdventurousDreamer
Summary: To survive she executed mass murder. After years of fighting, dying once and being driven to the extreme. Shepard faced three options: red, blue and green. Only one meant a chance of survival. Shepard struggles to find peace after erasing all the AI in the galaxy. Rated M for [Shepard F & Kaidan A.] & [Shepard F & Garrus V.] smutt. This story is set after ME3 and all DLCs.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok dear readers. This is my first ever attempt at writing something actually post'able, EVER. So please be kind, I do love feedback, positive and challenging. I have about 8 chapters done so far and I believe this story will be about 16 chapters long, more or less. And yes, this is a Shakarian / Shenko drama too. :)**

**Have fun!**

* * *

**Chapter 1: **All that remains

_Night._

_All is dark._

_I can't remember._

_Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. _

_I hear dogs in the distance. It's so quiet, where am I?_

_Where is my weapon? _

_I believe they are looking for something. _

_More barking. They're close._

_I'm so tired. But something tells me I cannot sleep, I should not sleep. Deep inside me I feel like if I sleep I will never wake up again. My eyes are heavy but still open, all is dark. _

_I don't want to go. _

_The void is coming. And it is swallowing me whole._

oO0~0Oo

The war was over. Every Reaper had been disabled. Not even an EM wave could be sensed from them. A rock was now more exciting than those bastards.

On a makeshift command central the leaders and soldiers who survived it all were now organizing the next steps to clean the planet of the invaders.

Dr. Liara T'Soni was helping to coordinate with the remaining leaders of the human resistance, Primarch Victus, Urdnot Wrex and Major Kirrahe key actions to be taken. The leaders would stay here for a while until the fleets came back from the rendezvous point in ten days

Mixed groups were now tasked with pest control and search and rescue. There were still a few civilians holed up in the area. Downtown London would never be the same again. She heard that they have never seen devastation this desperate since the human's last planet war more than 230 years ago.

Small pockets of Cannibals and Marauders were slowly being extinguished. A small silver lining was that there weren't too many Banshees left as the Assari's supply of Ardat-Yakshis was limited. Thank the Goddess for small miracles.

But there was only one thing in Liara's mind. Was Shepard alive?

She personally gathered a small group comprising of Dr. Oyshi, a human medic; two Krogan, supplied by Wrex as he wouldn't have it any other way; a couple of Turian soldiers; and two human privates who were, as all luck could help, locals. She counted on them to find the party sent for the last push. Anderson, Shepard, Major Coats, Garrus and Kaidan were among them, and four days later, she hadn't gotten any news. There was still no news from the Normandy.

oO0~0Oo

_Thirst._

_Light._

_Breathe._

_Warm. Is it day? There is no warmth in space. _

_This feels wrong. It should be cold. Dark._

oO0~0Oo

Day five, and Irumy Oyshi still couldn't believe his eyes. The whole area was empty. They walked for what seemed like years, and no sign of life, only the victims of this mindless war. Months trying to simply survive the relentless assault had taken its toll on the city. Its population either managed to run away to rural areas, had been turned into husks or killed and beamed up to serve as a genetic foundation for whatever those perverse creatures had in mind.

The chance of any survivor being found alive diminished as the hours ticked by. With the injuries which normally occurred during combat, there is only so much time you can stand when you have a bullet in you.

Dr. T'Soni managed to give Dr. Oyshi a good team. One Krogan, Ixor, was battle weathered and had a quilt of scars adorning his face and full carapace, which was green, high and regal looking. He was a Krogan of little words and his keen amber eyes scanned every centimetre of the area.

Xahx, the less moody of the two Krogan, looked young but still a hulking beast. His cranial carapace was still a sprinkle of thick grey and yellow plates, not yet fully connected. His skin was in shades of light orange and tan framing deep blue eyes. As opposed to his "friend" Xehx seemed to be interested in our culture and architecture. Striking Dr. Oyshi that, if the setting was different, this Krogan would have been an architect and builder, not a soldier.

The Turians were slight and elegant. Clad in heavy armour and carrying an assault rifle each. Aelius had bright orange colonial markings on his pale gray plating and the other sported no markings.

They had found pets though. A couple of sandy cream labradors which appeared to have been brothers and a shaggy white toy poodle who were now part of the search party. The brothers, as the team now called them were lively but perhaps too skinny. Looked like they had a rough time finding food. Their fur was matted with dust and bits of dried blood. The poodle was a once white and now tangle mess of matted fur. He still managed to keep a smiling face though. Welcomed with water and some rations, the dogs joined the band and were instinctively scouting and sniffing the area for survivors. Cats were more common, but they never came too close. Survival at any cost, those little buggers.

Oyshi could see Xahx a few hundred meters ahead from the rest of the team. Shaggy, the poodle, follow loyally after him, as if the goofy fur ball was Xahx's own personal bodyguard.

Suddenly, he heard Xahx, calling everyone, he had found something.

As they approached, they found a car crushed under a wall, looking like it had veered and hit nose first the side of the brownstone before its walls collapsed on top of it. Looking closer, while surrounded by a cacophony of barking dogs, he could see as the Krogan lifted the bricks a navy blue mini-van revealed. Its roof was considerably low and whoever was sitting in the front was long gone.

In a joint effort, removing brick by brick to reveal as much as possible of the severely battered car. They found inside it a little girl completely quiet, no older than 5. Her big brown eyes were like saucers, and as she watched a group of strangers open up her tomb, she remained completely still not making a sound. Surrounded by packs of crackers and juice boxes, she was holding her dead mother's hand, as if questioning what was going on. The woman's upper torso seemed well preserved and it appeared that she had been looking at the back seat while her life seeped away.

The only word Oyshi had for that scene was War. War was the only thing which could encompass the desperate hollow generated by what was presented in front of him. The mother had a serene look on her face, eye closed, mouth slightly open. Her pale skin and black straight hair was covered with a layer of dust making it seem like she was frozen in time. The father was completely compacted and thankfully was completely out of the girl's line of sight.

She was alive dutifully sitting on her little car seat, dehydrated and traumatized. Shaggy managed to worm himself inside and the kid reacted only when the dog licked her face. Her eyes moved, and she extended her other hand to the dog as if to say hello. Xahx hulking form ripped open the door and the dog jumped out, giving way for Oyshi to unhook the little seat form the car's safety system.

The kid had no expression on her face. Only eyes, opening and closing, breathing, dirty from all the dust and what appeared to be days without leaving the little seat. There was a small pink backpack next to her. On it a name tag - Alessa Wigan, daughter of one Harrold D. Wigan and Louise S Wigan. Score one for good car-seats.

Still completely unfazed, Oyshi set the kid on the ground, looking for wounds or breaks and finding none. None on the body at least, but her mind, that was a whole other issue. She stood up and walked towards Aelius extending her hand as if to introduce herself. Aelius knelt down and greeted the little girl. She was all smiles, Turian harmonic sounds are so very different from any other species'.

Oyshi allowed a single tear escape, one brief moment to take a deep breath and relax. There was hope still.

Radio'ing in the find of the little Alessa for some personnel to pick her up and take her to the nearest shelter he sees her sitting on the Turian's lap now. Aelius looked completely puzzled and awkward but the kid found a safe nest on the Turian and even across species, one can see that some things are universal.

After the kid had been picked up, Oyshi and his group, now minus Aelius and plus an Assari, Kira - the kid wouldn't let go of the Turian and he had to go back with her- they resumed their search, dogs still in tow, sniffing and scouting.

Finding only one enemy here or there, lost and disoriented without their overlord's orders. Just like T'Soni liked to call it, pest control.

oO0~0Oo


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok Dear Readers. Second chapter of this project. If you liked it or not, please leave feedback if you can. :) It really helps. I'll probably be posting a new chap every 3-4 days or less. And yes, this is a Shakarian / Shenko drama too. :) For you who like it steamy, be patient. It'll come. **

***hugs***

**Have fun!**

* * *

**Chap 2: **Alive

Evening of day six. The crew covered too much for the day, and it was time to set down and camp until sunrise. Their spirits were up, finding the little kid re-fuelled their morale and even though she had no bullet wounds, there were no reasons to absolutely rule out finding any more survivors.

Sitting around the source light for the night, the area they finally settled on was completely devastated. The beam structure was nearby and was extremely well guarded during the attacks. Now, there were no more enemies in sight, and barely any buildings left either. You could see that the reaper forces had levelled a 6 blocks radius to install the beaming structure. Its base, composed of 4 wide based concentric poles, was relatively small, 8 maybe 10 meters across, but tall, extremely so; perhaps 15 or 25 meters tall.

A sense of utter desolation filled Oishy when he looked at the cold bluish metal posts. It must have taken several million dead up to the Citadel.

The night was oddly warm for London standards. Oyshi could see Xahx had finally conceded to Shaggy. The little guy apparently had chosen the Krogan as his alpha and wouldn't leave his side. The team was quiet, not much talk, just enjoying the silence and the absence of explosions and pained screams.

In the background, he could hear the labs playing. The little poodle was still comfortably cuddled near Xahx's leg and Oyshi suspected the Krogan was stealing some ear scratches here and there when he probably thought no one could see.

From the deep soothing silence, emerged anxious sounds of barking, constant and pointed. The dogs had found something. Near the rubble close to the beam structure, the dogs were digging frantically. Without a second thought, but still disbelieving the small voice in his heart that maybe they would have a second grace of luck, Dr Irumy Oyshi and his team ran towards the dogs.

The place near the Beam structure looked like a metal cradle with chunks of blocks of the destroyed construction which once stood there. There was a thick, broad and long metal sheet on top of it, blocking whatever was beneath it from their eyes. Xahx and Ixor each held one side of the sheet to lift it and reveal what lay beneath.

Flashlights on, the whole area was suddenly illuminated by every piece of light emitting equipment they had, revealing an N7 breastplate. The soldier's skin was covered in soot and dust. The hair was caked with dried blood and dust. There was no way of telling the ethnicity of the figure laying there. An arm lay at a wrong angle, and almost as if this rock cradle was made for the poor soul deposited there, the figure stood still, maybe a little too still, motionless.

'Soldier, can you hear me?'.

Oyshi came closer and held the... man? No, woman's wrist and sought for a pulse.

_Soldier._

_Yes, I am one. _

_There's a dull brightness tinged with flesh tones._

_Breathe._

As his fingers touched her skin, the small form in front of him inhaled one full and long breath. The soldier was alive.

It was chaos. Kira was already contacting the base camp, while Oyshi ran diagnostics. A simple swipe of an omni-tool revealed Captain Shepard's ID embedded in her dog tags beneath her breastplate. She was severely dehydrated, but nothing was broken; a dislocated shoulder and wrist and the arm in between riddled with hairline fractures, torn ankle ligaments, some small spots of internal bleeding which were already being taken care by her implants and some ugly but superficial wounds.

In less than 10 minutes, all the essentials were there. In a parade of colours, vehicles started to pour in - a couple of transport shuttles with personnel to secure the area (a bit of overkill but hey, this soldier was worth it) and a medic-evac shuttle which opened to reveal one other trauma doctor and a nurse along with Dr. T'Soni herself.

A bustle of movement began, with the rescue team and the doctors trying to plot the least damaging way to move the commander on to the shuttle.

Military efficiency at its best, granted the scanns did not reveal anything which could make this difficult, commander Shepard was rolled onto a gurney and sledded to the medic-evac which along with the worried and efficient leading of Liara, left for the Anghaile Memorial in Longford, Ireland. One of the least devastated places in the region.

oO0~0Oo

There was a symphonic rhythm in what Liara could observe, the medic and nurse in an effortless choreography of testing and diagnosing and treating, one step at a time; one priority at a time. Placing a line for fluids, checking for consciousness, clearing the airway, blood pressure, heart rate... so similar to Assari. Shepard lay still on the gurney. What hurt Liara the most was that Shepard didn't open her eyes.

In the back of her mind, Liara wondered if this would be it, a vain rush to the hospital so her dear friend could die in peace. An even smaller, daring you might say, voice in her whispered that this was her friend, and nothing would be able to stop her.

Liara wouldn't let herself hope, or maybe she should. In a life where the people closest to her were distant colleagues, an estranged parent and a dead mother, Shepard stood at the centre. A dear friend, a force of nature who took Liara out of the confinements of a laboratory and delivered her to the world, to love and life. Any romantic feelings which lingered in her heart were now solely devoted to the friendly love she held for the human laying in front of her.

'Doctor, do you have a preliminary status?'

Dr. Aoife Flanagan, the emergency trauma specialist, gave one long inhale and exhale while looking at all the data produced by the handful of equipment in the shuttle, blinked and looked at Liara.

'She's stable. As far as we can see on all scans, she's been battered to hell and back and her body managed to survive it decently. She has lost some blood, is dehydrated and most certainly exhausted. She is responding to exterior stimuli but does not interact with anything, revealing that there is some level of consciousness. To know more about her state, I will need further testing. I worry about head injuries because of this gash here in her right temple, but there is only indication of a moderate concussion. More than that, I cannot say.'

The smooth flight to the hospital was quiet, marked only by the soft beeps from the medical apparatus. The nurse and the doctors were busying their time with cleaning and sewing up the visible gashes on Shepard's arm while Liara watched her only "family" fight for her life.

_The galaxy is safe, thanks to this remarkable woman. But now, where will we go from here?_

oO0~0Oo

There was an entire crew waiting for them at the roof landing pad when they arrived at the hospital. Liara stood back, letting the ones who knew best to do what they did best. Efficient trades, exact hands, a ballet of movements sliding her friend into the heart of the care centre.

'We have a room waiting for the Commander. Would you like to wait there, miss?' very polite nurse aked Liara. She looked unfazed by all the commotion. Liara guessed by the lines in the woman's face, that she was probably used to all this, and war or not, protocols existed to bring back order to the chaos.

'I guess. If it's possible I would like to accompany my friend. May I?'

'I believe it won't be possible, miss. She'll be in for a lot of scans, and the doctors need their full attention to be on the patient. I hope you can understand.'

'Of course. You are correct. Please lead the way.'

The room was a decent size with a bed in its centre and a couch under the vast window. Everything was white, stainless and sterile; another thing which crossed species. Liara was still dazed. Looking around her and seeing no one, the door to the room closed, she sat on the couch and let her emotions go. The war was over so abruptly that her body didn't know how to accommodate the safe feeling that sterile room gave her the feeling of completeness now that her friend, her family had been found.

Thessia was devastated, Palaven was no more. Sur'Kesh's main cities were devastated in one wave. There wasn't a single largely populated planet which hadn't sustained horrible destruction. Earth fared little better. Shepard managed to amass the whole galaxy to save her home, and since the Reapers focused on the main heavily populated cities, the countryside and remote areas were unscathed. Billions were slaughtered, but the planet still stands.

Memories of the fights started to overwhelm Liara's mind but at that moment she heard a giggling scream. When she looked out the window, she saw the most curious scene - a human child playing with a Turian soldier. She was climbing on his arms and shoulders, and when she reached the top he would pick her up and gingerly set her down so she could climb again. Every time the soldier said anything the kid's face would light up and for no apparent reason beyond his voice, she would laugh and giggle. She decided to let her mind soak up that scene, so she could use it to lighten up when it started to get dark again.

oO0~0Oo

_Beeping._

_Someone touching my hand, my arm. _

_Where is my gun?_

'Commander Shepard, can you open your eyes for us?'

_Pain in my chest. Ouch! No! Stop!_

Commander Shepard opened her eyes, and the whole room took a relieved collective breath. As far as they knew, there was no reason why the commander shouldn't be responding to outside stimuli.

'Miss, can you tell me your name please?'

Blinking, Shepard took in the room she was in; masked faces, scrubs and head caps in a very white room. _Ah, I'm at a hospital. I don't want to.._.

'Joan, my name is Joan Shepard.' –

'Was I in an accident?'

'No, you suffered some serious injuries during the final battle against the Reapers. Do you remember any of it?' – Dr. Flanagan

It all came back to her. She remembered Garrus, arriving on Earth, finding Anderson, saying one last goodbye to her squad mates, coordinating with Anderson the last push into the Beam. The Ilusive Man, Anderson shot... the Conduit... A tear escaped Shepard's eye. She didn't want to remember that. Her heart broke all over again. Waves of desolation and grief overcame her, and she was now sorrow personified.

Watching carefully, Dr. Flanagan started to ready Shepard to be moved to her room. The other assistants left the commander for her privacy. It was clear that whatever may have happened to her body was nothing compared to what made such a powerful woman crumble like that.

'Yes. I remember.' _I need to pull it together, no one can know._ Shepard took one long breath and tied her feelings in the back of her mind.

'All your tests show your conditions are improving. You'll be staying for observation and 2 more calcification treatments. I believe you will be out in 10 days at the most. I'm going to take you to your room now. I believe - your friend, Dr. T'Soni, is waiting for you there.'

Dread filled Shepard's belly. Liara... how would she be able to face her friend after what happened? She had nowhere to run, she actually didn't know how to run; from anything. Masking her features as blank as she possibly could, she answered the doctor.

'Thank you.'

oO0~0Oo

It was night already, and the Turian and the little girl were long gone. The warmth from that scene was starting to fade from Liara's heart when she heard the soft rasp of wheels outside the hospital room. With a soft click, the door opens to reveal a stoic Shepard. Bandages bulked and bumped under the thermal sheet covering her. Her face's pale skin was a map of greens, black, blues and purples which crept under her curly hair, always locked in a bun.

'Shepard!'

'Hi, Liara.' – A sad smile blooms on Shepard's face which she immediately erases. _This is no time for emotions. _

'Thank the Goddess, you survived. I'm so happy to see you.' – emotions swelled up in her throat as Liara walked up to her friend with a smile on her face and wide spread arms, and was welcomed in spades. Shepard held her tight and didn't make any movement to let go until Dr. Flanagan interrupted.

'Just a moment, you two. I need to set you on the bed first, and afterwards, you may continue. Do we have a deal?'

They let go from each other, and while Liara observed the doctor use a mass effect field to smoothly lift and place Shepard on the bed, she couldn't help but notice something was different in her friend. Beyond the bruises and bandages, Shepard's brown eyes were tired and sad.

With the equipment attached, IV checked and treatment schedule explained the doctor took her leave and closed the door behind her, encasing the two beings in the room on a tomb like silence.

With a slight tremble in her voice, maybe afraid of what she could not see in her friend, Liara asks: 'How are you feeling Shepard, are you ok? What did the doctors say? Would you mind if I ask?'

'It's ok Liara.' The sad smile makes its appearance again. 'Doc' Aoife says I have a couple of concussions, one on each side of my head. Apparently I took a full body hit on my left side because I've got a dislocated shoulder, cracked bones, fractured wrist, bruised ribs, a hip crack and a torn ligament on my knee and left ankle. A bullet was removed from my right side muscle on my waist, several cuts which are now sealed, a nasty one on my right temple' – she places a hand there and winces – 'and bruises... a few of them.'

Liara blinked slowly. She couldn't believe how matter of fact Shepard was with this list of horrible things.

'But how do you feel?'

'I'm good. All this will go away, just give time for my body to heal.'

'I understand. Do you want to talk about the device? How did it work? How did you manage to come back from the citadel?'

'I don't know.' Shepard lied. 'It's one big blur. I remember saying goodbye to Garrus and Kaidan, the explosion and then running to the Beam, arriving in a dark place, killing the Illusive Man... Anderson. He was there. The Illusive Man killed him... after that I passed out... I was so tired...' With dead eyes, she looks nowhere in particular, fighting her memories, wishing she really did not remember what happened next.

'I have no idea how I came back...' And in this she wasn't lying. She had no idea. Maybe the conduit beamed her back when she shot the red tube?

'It's ok. The memories will come, or not. You are back, and that is all that matters.'

Shepard burned to ask about Garrus? Where was the team? Did the Normandy survive? But couldn't. The weight of her actions drowned her voice.

'How are things outside?'

'I must say that Earth took heavy losses. The main cities became slaughterhouses and whatever they didn't transform into Husks, they killed and beamed them to the Citadel. Much like the Collectors were doing. The smaller and more remote the city the less damaged they were. We are in Longford, Ireland, and the city has a lot of refugees, but not enough. They didn't have time to attack this area. I'm afraid the other densely populated urban hubs of this island were completely lost.'

'So, they were spreading out from large cities to smaller ones. I don't know what to think. Should I be happy few survived or sad that billions died?' – _Nothing remotely like this was ever covered in any training, in any experience I've ever had._

'I decided to take a survivalist approach. We are alive, billions are still alive. We now must start from there and move forward with rebuilding and taking our way of life back.'

'Good point.'

'Well, I will leave you to rest for now. I have to go back to the base and continue on with the pest control.'

'Pest control?'

'Yes, without the Reaper's signal, their ground troops appear to just stand there and not do much but be put down and carried to a landfill. Whatever modifications they did to them took away their most basic reasoning and instincts. They are now only flesh shells, empty hardware.'

'Good.'

'Alright, I'll be going then. Here's an Omni-tool, I imagined you could have lost yours in the final battle. We will be able to keep contact through it. It also has a few upgrades and like mine and your old one, it can contact the Normandy if it is in range.'

'Thank you, Liara' – Shepard could verify that her old Omni-tool bracelet was nowhere to be seen, a thin strip of flesh coloured hardware which linked to a small circle embedded on her palm. She scratched her palm and the old circle emerged up from the superficial layers of her skin and fell on the sheet covering her lap. She placed the new bracelet on her wrist, and its attached circle warmed up and replaced the old one under her skin.

'Alright, I'll be back in two days. I'll try to bring you some necessities.' Liara leaned to give her friend another long hug. She may not look shaken, but when her arm closed around Liara, she could feel how distressed Shepard was. _In time, she'll talk to me. In time._

oO0~0Oo


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok Dear Readers. Third chapter is here. As always, if you liked it or not, please leave feedback if you can. :) It really helps. Next chapt will come in 3-4 days or less. And yes, this is a Shakarian / Shenko drama too. :) For you who like it steamy, be patient. It'll come.**

***hugs***

**Have fun!**

* * *

**Chapter 3: **Stranded

Day Five, location: unknown planet near the Sol system. The Normandy has been stranded on a lush garden world apparently completely unexplored. The ship sustained moderate damage but the physical damage of roughly landing on an uneven terrain has left the hull with ruptures and fragile spots. The kinetic barriers held on up until the last moment when the mass effect core and all systems went offline, including EDI.

Major Alenko looked over the last report brought to him at the conference room. Garrus, Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor, Joker, Tali and the main engineers were discussing how to fix the Normandy in the most efficient way.

'Reactivate Edi!' points Joker. The AI had shut down the moment the red blast reached the Normandy, leaving them stranded and without the main systems until, after a couple of days drifting, they found this planet where they are now stranded.

'Joker, EDI is gone', said Tali, in the most delicate way. 'Whatever it was what the Crucible did, it erased EDI from the systems and all we have now is the hardware's stock VI.'

'NO! She is in there somewhere. Once we manage to boot her up... wake her up, she'll be able to run a full systems diagnostics, and the repairs will be over in no time!'

Traynor and Tali exchanged a mournful glance. Garrus could be seen lowering his head, and the rest of the team just gave Joker a look which could only be interpreted as pity.

'Jeff...' Kaidan tried to appease.

'No! She is not "DEAD". How can you give up on a crew member like this? I'm sorry, I just can't deal with this right now.' Joker walked away with a fast limp step. Head held high, he headed to the helm and resumed his attempts to work with the limited VI.

'The main weapons are intact and online. The VI has been helpful, and I've been able to patch the gaps left by Edi's... ahm, absence. At least with the essential systems, this ship is nowhere near ready for any kind of combat.' Said Garrus.

'Same with the basic systems. Avionics, power, propulsion and life support are also online and ready'. Reported Adams, supported by nods from Ken and Gabi.

'Yes, and the hull repairs are almost done. We should be able to test for pressure drops and stress once the core is active.' Says Traynor, with a sad voice.

'So, how long until we can reach anywhere with our comms? We need to update the Alliance that we are still alive, tell Shepard...' Kaidan trailed away.

Garrus looked at him like the human was a bull's eye, and he wished he had a weapon on him to nail the dutiful Major between the eyes. The whole crew present went into an uneasy silence. They knew Shepard was dead. There was no way she could have survived the energy blast, especially being at the epicentre of it. He hoped. The hope ate at him every second of every hour they wasted stranded on this useless piece of rock. It choked him to a point where he couldn't disguise the sub-harmonics of his voice as any self respecting turian, so he kept quiet. His private matters were his own.

Tali joined in with Kaidan. 'I know Kaidan, and I'm working on it. I've been sending a signal burst every 10 minutes with basic information regarding our probable location and status ever since our power came back online 9h ago.' She approached him, placed a hand on the Major's worried back, and with a low pained voice said 'Don't worry Kaidan, we'll find out.'

Resolving to now concentrate all their efforts in isolating and fixing the frame and hull, the team disbanded and went to their posts.

Tali, on the other hand, left her plans unspoken as the whole crew knew what she had been struggling with ever since they crashed- Finding/bringing Edi back.

oO0~0Oo

At the Anghaile Memorial Hospital, Shepard couldn't stand lying still on that dreadful bed another second. It had been one measly day, and her mind couldn't let go of those last moments; that evil child- red, green and blue.

_The Illusive Man was right_. A tear tried to escape her eye.

With a heavy sigh, she brought up her omni-tool screen and started going through the news reports. An estimate of 3 billion souls lost and counting, a third of the planet's population. Reports say that all main urban centres with a population count of 10 million and up were completely devastated. Major cities like NY, São Paulo, Shanghai, Mexico City, Moscow, and Beijing were completely levelled. Whole countries, the ones with the largest populations like China and India, were completely torn out. The assaults there were the heaviest. There were still small pockets of resistance troopers and unaffected cities as the reaper forces focused their main power on the heavily populated ones, leaving the smaller and more remote ones intact and painfully low on refugees. It is suspected that the Citadel is now the graveyard for 90% of those bodies.

Skipping through the headlines, she found that Palaven was completely levelled. The planet was now considered a biohazard level two with a great portion of its surface up in blazes and the resulting pollution making the planet uninhabitable for the foreseeable future.

Apparently, the Reapers focused their main power on the races' original home worlds. Khar'shan took the first full assault and was decimated, the few remaining Batarians were now homeless. Thessia was still standing but with a 70% loss of its population. Irune and Dekuna fared better with only 40% losses.

Sur'Kesh was almost completely charred. The salarians refused to join the war effort and were left to fend for themselves. They even managed to push back for a while, but the Reapers responded in kind and overwhelmed the planet, leaving it practically uninhabitable. The vestigial forces which unofficially joined the Human war effort were mostly intact, but the news writer foresees a difficult struggle to rebuild the race.

The council had managed to survive and reconvene in Virmire, due to the minimal reaper presence in the area. _Yes, go! for the nuke I blew there..._ The planet had been mostly deserted after that.

On a smaller, not too high up frame with the headlines, she read: **"The Evil Vanquished: All AI in the Galaxy Disabled. The Reaper Invasion Stopped, the Geth Threat is No More. The Galaxy Rejoices."**

Shepard's heart tightened. She did that.

_I committed genocide._

She started drowning in her grief. With shallow breaths, she closed her eyes and gave herself time to calm down. Waving the tool off, she surrendered to the feelings inside her. She murdered, she killed them all. She was an ocean of sorrow and unrepentant regret. How would she be able to face the others? What if Garrus is alive? What will he think of her? _What will he think...?_

After a while, she turned the thing back on and opened up the messaging interface. There she wrote an eight word text: _I'm alive. I love you. Please come back. _But she decided not to send it.

oO0~0Oo

Back in London, Liara was finishing packing for her and Shepard. 4 days had passed since she saw her friend. During that time, she couldn't reach her. She pinged her, but was never answered and there were no messages. It struck her as odd since Shepard had always confided in her, even when the situation was most dire.

_Give her time, she'll come around._

The Alliance Navy was coming home with part of the Krogan army to finish the pest control. Earth's remaining government leaders were already reconvening and organizing plans for reconstruction.

She managed to salvage some things from abandoned stores in the vicinity, and had gathered some articles of clothing, essential and non-essential, personal hygiene products and even some adornments for herself and Shepard. She didn't give a second thought to it when the probability of actually getting supplies was near zero and the local shelters were already raiding what was left of major commercial centres.

With everything ready, Liara took the next shuttle en route to the hospital with the heartbreaking news that there weren't any new survivors other than Major Coats and a handful of soldiers.

oO0~0Oo

At the Normandy, Traynor could see that the third test she ran indicated the core was back online, hull repairs were as good as they will ever be, and not after charting what may be an excellent planet for future colonization by carbon based species, the Normandy could begin its long journey home. There were no indications Earth received any of their broadcasts, which may indicate that indeed all the comm-buoys were destroyed during the attack and they would only be able to verify the state of the galaxy once they reached an Alliance base.

Meanwhile, at the min battery, Garrus was apprehensive. He had been compulsively checking and re-checking every detail of the cannons for the past 4 days just in case there was a stray Reaper somewhere. The tightness in his chest could only be soothed by the knowledge that he was doing everything in his power to arrive safely at his love's home world.

The level of anxiety in the Normandy was palpable. They knew there was a chance they would come back to where Earth was supposed to be and find nothing. The report of what happened when Shepard destroyed the Alpha relay at the Bahak system was fresh in their memories. Nothing survived. Not even its sun.

There was a sizable probability that the relays might have been affected in some way or another, and a small but considerable chance they could overload and explode. If that was the case, all systems with relays will have been completely obliterated and they had nowhere to go.

oO0~0Oo

Kaidan was sitting in the lounge with Cortez and James. No one had anything to say. They were simply expecting the moment when the telling vibration of the ship would finally confirm they were lifting from the ground and taking flight back home.

'So. Cards?'

'Hahaha, only you can think about something like that at a moment like this, Mr. Vega.' Cortez couldn't stop a small laugh.

'I'm up for it. Anything to distract me from the fact that I have absolutely nothing to do for the next who knows how many hours.' Kaidan vented.

'Poker it is, amigos.' James produced his most cared for deck of cards while they moved to the cards table.

'Oh, this must be a first! You are using THE deck?' Cortez noted.

'Is that the one Edi and... gave you?" Kaidan's heart sank.

'Yeah, I thought it was about time. Feels like a little piece of them are here with us.' James shuffled the cards with delicate care, so disparate from his exterior image of "pile-of-muscles-tough-soldier".

'Ahrm... yeah... it's a nice thought.' Kaidan was willing to do anything to distract him from the thought that in fifty hours he would know if the love of his life was dead or alive.

'Well, what are you waiting for? Deal!' Ordered Cortez

The Normandy took flight off of the unknown planet, leaving the embrace of the lush alien world and venturing into the unknown.

oO0~0Oo


	4. Chapter 4

**Ok Dear Readers. Fourth chapter is here. As always, if you liked it or not, please leave feedback if you can. :) It really helps. Next chapt will come in 3-4 days or less. And yes, this is a Shakarian / Shenko drama too. :) For you who like it steamy, be patient. It'll come.**

***hugs***

**Have fun!**

* * *

**Chapter 4**: Musings

_Rain._

_It's been so long since I've last seen rain._

Shepard used to love running outside her grandmother's home when she stayed there during school break. She revelled in the thunder, and lying in the backyard, she would listen to the sounds of nature. It felt so good to be on the ground as opposed to the metal, climate controlled ships and stations her parents used to tow her to. Being a spacer whose mother and father were officers in the Alliance, these little stolen moments of freedom were her safe place when the darkness came.

A red flash, the feel of weightlessness, darkness came, and awakening when a her name was called. The dark memories kept suffocating her and reminding her of her deed.

oO0~0Oo

Shepard's body was feeling a great deal better. The second calcification treatment mended almost the full extent of her fractures. Her left arm was still painful but free and only her right knee and foot were keeping her still. No more cuts, just bruises.

Her body was already forgetting what happened. She willed her soul to forget it too.

Legion died for nothing... Edi... She was a great friend, with a great sense of humour and the light of Joker's eye. A smile crossed Shepard's face. _I sound like my grandmother_. Would her grandparents even be alive? They lived in a small city deep in the mountains 1000km away from Terra Nova's capital.

It was remote and mostly a tourist area due to its proximity to a natural park and the great lakes. Great weather and the perfect amount of thunderstorms.

_I had a home there..._

_Had?_

A soft knock grounded Shepard's thoughts, and for a moment she was a bit lost. Did she appreciate the interruption?

'Come in.'

'Hello Shepard. I come bearing gifts.' A smiling Liara entered the room, towing two small travel cases with her. 'I'm here to stay now. I arranged everything back at the camp, and they do not need my help anymore.'

Her friend. They first met in Therum. Liara had trapped herself into an energy field in an attempt to escape mercenaries who were after her, and then she couldn't escape. Shepard remembered seeing the beautiful Assari for the first time. Her blue skin was the first thing she noted. It had the colour of the most beautiful spring sky. Her features were not too different from a human's with a small proportionate nose, lips and smart cerulean eyes. She didn't have hair, instead smooth tentacle-like formations where human hair would have been. Shepard remembered looking at the helpless doctor and would have never guessed she would one day be here, taking care of her.

'That is good to hear Liara. Being alone here has been driving me nuts.' Shepard covered her disappointment with a smile. There was no way she would burden her friend with her problems. Especially when these problems could make her lose the closest person she had in her life right now. A sister, a dear sister who would never know she murdered an entire new species because she didn't want to die.

'I'm glad to hear it Shepard. I brought the things I told you about. I'm sorry I didn't arrive sooner, but now I'm here, and I'm going to take care of you.'

At that moment, the nurse arrived and locked Shepard's IV and isolated her leg immobilizer so she could take a shower.

Pushing back her issues, Shepard decided to liven up, or Liara would get suspicious. Also, she could actually use some help. Liara stood alert and ready to receive orders. Sheppard guessed Liara had spent so much time around military staff that some of their mannerisms had rubbed off on her. A small smile blossomed on her face.

'Liara, I'm going to ask you something that has to stay between the two of us.'

'Of course, Shepard. But, what is it?' Liara asked, intrigued.

'Help me shower and wash my hair?' Shepard flushed. The initial cleaning the nurse did after she was rescued was utilitarian and not that deep. She was dying to feel a little bit more human and less of an infirm.

'Haha, of course! Here, I've got just the thing. Washing gel and this other thing one of the women at the comm central told me was essential for a human's hygiene. Conditioner? Yes, I think that's what it's called.'

'You are a life saver!' Liara held up the bottle, and Shepard could almost hear angels sing. She could see a picture of flowers and green leaves on the label. Yes, she could do it. She decided then that what happened was hers alone to bear, and she will never talk about it with anyone. _Am I a liar now?_

Getting into the shower was a feat. Still hurting all over, extremely weak with barely functioning arms and an immobilized leg, she wondered if it was easier to raid the Collector's Base all over again than walk the 5 metres to the bathroom.

Everything set and ready- soap, shampoo, towels and a flannel pyjama so pink that only a vapid pubescent teenager would wear it- Shepard ambled with a cane at one side and Liara at the other. They finally reached the white tiled succinct bathroom which consisted of a counter with a sink and mirror, a toilet and a shower stall with a little metal stool inside.

Liara helped Shepard out of her johnny and was lost for words at what she was seeing. On a frame extremely similar to the assari's, Shepard's once beautiful pale skin was a study in black, greens, purples and blues. Back, hips, legs...

Fully naked, Shepard looked at Liara through the mirror, and she couldn't mask her sadness at seeing her body marred like that. A wide angry pink slash in the mid stage of healing spanned from under her right breast making an S all the way to her groin. She could only see patches of her real skin colour- a pale white that had never seen too much sun. She also saw too many bones... ribs, hips and clavicles. She hadn't noticed how much her body had suffered in the past year.

Averting her eyes, she covered herself. _This was a bad idea... don't look at me._

'Shepard, no.' Liara took the hand covering her breasts and held it tight. 'You will survive this. This is only now and not what you are.'

Liara smiled and gingerly set Shepard's hair free. The long mass tumbled out of her trademarked bun revealing waves of an almost black ringlet curly hair. 'Here, sit. I'll take care of you.'

oO0~0Oo

Clean, clothed, and tucked in her bed, Shepard lay there while Liara took her own shower. The assari may not have been as battered as her, but she probably needed it just the same.

Shepard looked down at her omni-tool and saw a low blinking light indicating there was an unread message. It came from the Normandy. The small peace and warmth she had managed to gather left her in a wash of dread. She couldn't deal with news that something had happened with Garrus or with... an ice cold churning invaded her guts, her heart. _What will happen if they find out?_ Deciding to leave the message undisturbed, she closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep.

oO0~0Oo

Normandy, roughly 18 months ago.

'So, tell me a story'. She sat down on the pile of utilitarian boxes and crossed her legs like Samara did when she was meditating.

'Okay, have I ever told you about my last high risk mission on a turian vessel?' Garrus was always surprised that Shepard kept coming back to talk to him. Her company was soothing and engaging. He really liked telling her his old stories.

'No, should I get some popcorn for another story time with Garrus Vakarian, bringer of justice to an unjust galaxy?' Shepard smiled.

That smile... he did like to see her smiling... 'Ahm, popcorn? You know, the regs here are very different from turian vessels.'

'In what way?'

'Well, like the Alliance, we have regs, tighter ones when it comes to operational discipline but looser regarding personal restrictions.' _Why am I talking about this? She won't be interested in this, I need to change the subject... _'But the mission was an assault on a batarian slaver ship...'

'Personal restrictions? You mean fraternization? Ah, that is a big no-no in Earth's military. They justify it by saying that it prevents abuse of power and breaking the chain of command. Up to a point, I understand it. Maybe a little too well'

'Yes, I remember... I'm not supposed to know, but everybody did back then. You and Kaidan...'

'Yeah. It mudded things big time.'

'Do you love him?' Garrus didn't know why he was so apprehensive for an answer.

'I think, yes. No. I don't know. Especially after Horizon.'

'Yes, I'm sorry I intruded back then.' Not disappointed with what she said, Garrus still carried a small chip of pride for backing Shepard up. That mission was a breakthrough and got them a lot closer to beating the Collectors. But any questioning of her morals and actions were, to an extent, a questioning of his own, and he wouldn't stand there watching that blind arrogant Alliance zealot implying her mission, THEIR MISSION, wasn't in the galaxy's best interest.

A shy smile. 'Yes, I remember. What did you call him? Blind arrogant Alliance zealot? No need to apologise. You read my mind back there. Yeah, what Kaidan and I had felt like the right thing at the time, but what came after had nothing to do with regs, only human nature. People can be all sort of things, I guess Kaidan just couldn't handle it. I don't know. Anything I might say about him would be pure speculation. And you know how much I hate that.'

'Yes, I know you too well. Commander 'Facts' Shepard.' His mandibles spanned out in a big turian "smile".

'Haha, yes, that you do, big guy. But continue, you were about to tell me about turian's personal restrictions.' Shepard was now laying on the boxes that never left their place on the right side of the room. Eyes looking him from down up, legs up resting on the wall. Similar to those pictures in Joker's gentleman's magazines.

'Well, there was this one mission, me and a recon scout had been at each other's throats, nerves mostly. She suggested we settle it in the ring.'

'I take it she kicked your butt?'

'Actually, she and I were the two best hand to hand combatants on the ship. I had reach, she had flexibility. It was brutal. After 9 rounds, the judges declared it a draw. A lot of unhappy betters in the other room.'

Garrus paused, he didn't know if she should finish the story, but at the end decided to go for it. 'We, uh, ended up having a tiebreaker in her quarters. I had reach, she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess...'

'Haha, you can say that! It would be interesting...'

'Sparring? I didn't think you feel like sparring, commander.'

Startled she got up. 'Yeah, you are right, sparring... I should go. See you later.'

Garrus watched her walk away at such a very brisk pace she even slipped on the last step into the mess hall. Humans, curious species...

oO0~0Oo

With half asleep eyes, Shepard could see through lowered lids her friend come out of the bathroom. She pretended to be asleep to avoid any questions. The shock of seeing herself in the mirror was enough to sour her will to even pretend to be ok.

Liara prepared the couch; it looked comfortable enough, and came to check on her friend. They had already removed the beeping machinery, and all that was left was a soft dripping IV.

In a quiet soothing voice, Liara tried to comfort Shepard; 'I don't know what happened Shepard, and I honestly do not care. You're back, you are here, and when you are ready to talk, I'm here for you.'

Liara opened up her omni-tool. Re-reading the broadcast from the Normandy informing that they had technical issues and the whole crew was safe, she wondered why Shepard never asked about anyone. Not about the Alliance forces or Adm Hackett, none of the allies, and especially zero to no interest regarding the Normandy, Garrus or anyone else.

The Alliance was coordinating with the ground troops. They came back to Earth this morning and after being informed about Shepard, Hackett decided to request Liara to keep an eye on the Commander and inform him when she would be able to resume her duties. His main goal was to minimize the stress and give the Commander time to heal.

Back in the hospital bed, Shepard finally won her battle and fell asleep. Nothingness could be bliss sometimes.

oO0~0Oo


	5. Chapter 5

**Ok Dear Readers. Fifth chapter is here. As always, if you liked it or not, please leave feedback if you can. :) It really helps. Next chapt will come in 3-4 days or less. And yes, this is a Shakarian / Shenko drama too. :) For you who like it steamy, be patient. It'll come. **

***hugs***

**Have fun!**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

'Traynor, what's our status?' asked Major Kaidan Alenko. Without Shepard to command the ship, he was the next in the command line.

'We had to seal off the starboard observatory and the cargo bay. There are no fluctuations in pressure anywhere in the ship. All systems are complying.'

'Joker, what is our e.t.a?'

'I believe we are 50 hours away from the luna base. I'll know better in 6 hours from now when it's time to revise the course.' Joker's voice was dry and matter of fact. Edi's body was still on the bridge. It was a constant reminder that, as far as they knew, they did in fact have a casualty. No one was able to convince Jeff to let them remove it from his right side post.

Kaidan could have called him up on insubordination, but if leaving Edi's hardware body there would help lessen the pilot's grief, then he wouldn't object to it.

Kaidan reluctantly assumed the post as commander of the Normandy and for now, he would do his job. He always did his job, he was a good soldier. Such a good soldier. Good enough to tear down the only meaningful adult relationship he ever had in his life.

oO0~0Oo

His mind took him back to Horizon, roughly one year ago.

The battle was over and the threat was gone, defeated by an unknown rescuer. He ran towards the communications tower and could not believe his eyes. Delan was arguing with the team who rescued what was left of the colony.

'You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. Commander Shepard, Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Saviour of the Citadel. And a ghost.' Kaidan informed the communications specialist standing there.

'I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did.' The reports were right. She isthere, and all the feelings he had bottled up in the past two years poured inside him.

Their embrace was tender, full of nostalgia. His soft armour against her hard one, his hands found her curves at their own accord. His body awoke at the touch of their forms and for one blissful moment, they were back together. Her hands were on his back, tight and possessive. Her hair still smelled the same, a fresh green scent he had never been able to identify and had decided that it must have been her own unique scent. Lingering in each other's arms, it seemed like neither would let go until the moment passed and they parted.

'Hello, Kaidan. How've you been?' Shepard trembled in the presence of the man who still had a hold on her heart.

'Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened? Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?'

'Not my choice. I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me.' She smiled at her female companion.

'You're with Cerberus now, Garrus too. And by the look of your companion, I can see the reports were right'. He pointed a look at the beautiful woman who stood at Shepard's side. On her uniform, the undeniable tarnish of the Cerberus logo.

'Reports? You mean you already knew?' Garrus asked, an aggressive ironic tone resonating on his subharmonics.

'There was intell about the incidents. Command stonewalled me but there were rumours you weren't dead, that you were working with the enemy.'

Shepard could not believe what she was hearing. 'Kaidan... The first thing I did after I woke up was find Anderson and ask about you. I tried to contact you through the channel he provided me.'

'I chose to not open those messages, I didn't know it was really you. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me.' Kaidan could see the hurt in her eyes, he should just stop speaking. Now!

'I'm not a traitor. Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason.' Shepard was so shocked that she was completely lost for words. She felt a cold wave creeping up her chest, her heart was breaking.

'I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?'

At that moment, Garrus felt honour bound to step forward. 'Kaidan, you are being unreasonable. How can you question Shepard's allegiances? I'm there every hour, every bullet by her side, watching her make a difference in this fight. What gives you the right to take high ground and judge? You are acting like a blind arrogant Alliance zealot!'

Kaidan was taken aback. He hadn't realized that he had poured out all his anger on his first time seeing Shepard in two years. It was a miracle that she was back, and he simply did not know how to handle it.

'I don't have to justify myself to you, Lieutenant.' Her voice was glacial. 'If what I'm doing is good enough for Anderson and Hackett, then either you shape up and open your eyes to what is really going on or let me go. I love you. I did love you. But I won't stand here and be questioned by blind arrogance.' Shepard's voice broke a little when she had said she loved him, loved, past tense. That sound still haunted him to this day.

'Goodbye, Lieutenant Alenko.'

Shepard turned her back on him, and all he could hear was her calling Joker to send a shuttle to pick her up. He couldn't believe Garrus and Joker were with her, that she had been in contact with Anderson and Hackett. He was a fool. And just like with Rhana, he had destroyed his heart all over again._ She called me Lieutenant Alenko, it took her so long to change that..._

oO0~0Oo

Two days passed in a dull blur. Shepard was jarred awake by Liara.

'Shepard! Shepard, wake up! You are destroying the room!'

Opening her eyes and still confused, she tried to talk through a dry throat. 'What? What's... Liara... What happened?'

'You were emitting biotic pulses and crushing everything in the room.'

'What?' Shepard looked around and saw the warped doors of the stainless steel cabinets, the mirror in the bathroom was broken. 'Liara? Are you alright?'

'Yes, I'm ok. Shepard, what happened? Please, I need you to talk to me.'

Shepard averted her eyes. She couldn't face her friend. Leaning forward, she cradled her face in her hands and breathed in. 'I'm sorry Liara, this won't happen again. Just a nightmare.'

'Do you want to talk about it?'

Shepard considered her options. If she said nothing, Liara would get suspicious of her, and if she told the truth then she would lose her friend. She decided somewhere in between, a half-truth.

'Everybody was dead. I fought and punched and gutted, but people still died.'

Death everywhere, and when she finally got to the Conduit, the place that was supposed to make everything right again, she faltered. She could have died to save everyone or kill the entire new synthetic race and have a chance at surviving.

Liara's heart broke when she saw Shepard's haunted eyes. Sitting at the edge of the bed, she opened her arms and held her friend. 'Whatever happened Shepard, it is in the past. We are here; we are alive, and we will overcome it all.'

Shepard remained quiet. Her insides were crumbling down her throat and choking the air out of her.

The day passed. She didn't get up, only ate the bare minimum and slept. She wanted to disappear, go back in time, and undo her selfish decision.

oO0~0Oo

'Shepard! I thought we could spend an afternoon of acquiring material possessions for our associates.' Edi arrived at Shepard's apartment carrying a large box in her hands.

The synthetic gynoid was constructed in all grey metal alloys and, other than her fine womanly human features, she resembled anything but a human. But what mattered were her insides, the AI intelligence residing in that shell.

'Shopping sounds like a great idea. What did you have in mind?'

'There are some websites on the extranet with good variety of goods and acceptable entertainment value. Jeff lent me his credit chit saying "enjoy yourself and have a good time"'

'Okay, what's first?'

Shepard smiled. Edi and Joker really made a great couple. The AI had developed into a real being throughout the last year. They sat down in the living room and spent a whole afternoon shopping for themselves and their companions. They bought a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy for Doctor Chakwaas, and Edi suggested they get a new deck of cards for James since his old one was falling apart.

It was so relaxing, sitting there with a friend and chatting away about life, men and the future. At that moment, Shepard realized what a true AI was. It was life. A life like hers or Garrus', with fears, insecurities and desires.

Looking into Edi's eyes, Shepard knew that she had made the right choice in fighting for the Geth AI and the Quarians to make peace. Both races had stood at the edge of extinction that day. Legion was their saviour. The original AI from the Geth rebellions gave up his 'life' to free the other Geth.

It was almost dark outside, and Edi approached Shepard.

'Ok, now it's your turn. Close your eyes'

'Edi...' Shepard said with a smile. Eyes dutifully closed, she waited for her friend to ask her to open them again.

'Open your eyes.'

Edi had a small black box in her hand. Inside it was what humans would consider an engagement ring. Shepard looked puzzled.

'Ah, are we getting married?'

No, there is a jeweller on the Citadel who produces these. They're made from metals from each Council's home world. Each metal compounds with the last, making the ring stronger. He calls them Victory rings. Due to metal shortages, only a few exist.

'Uhm, just like you. Rare and unique.'

'Are you... valuing me?'

'Edi, you are great, and I'm proud to call you my friend. Thank you for the thoughtful gift.'

'I... I had foreseen several reactions, Shepard, but this one was very low in the rankings.' Edi had a thoughtful pause on her facial expression.

'Edi, you have a friend. Beyond Jeff and the crew of the Normandy.'

'Thank you, Shepard.'

The mechanical form in front of Shepard looked at her and gave a genuine smile. Life was indeed everywhere. All you had to do was open your heart to it.

oO0~0Oo


	6. Chapter 6

**Ok, Dear Readers. Sixth chapter is here. As always, if you liked it or not, please leave feedback if you can. :) It really helps. I think I'm going to post every wednesday and every saturday. Steamy bits are coming... ;) And yes, this is a Shakarian / Shenko drama too. :)**

***hugs***

**Have fun!**

* * *

**Chapter 6**

With a deep breath, Shepard opened her eyes for the new day. Liara was sitting on a desk next to the couch, typing away and managing reports. She was cut out from her Shadow Broker network and was trying to do her best to coordinate her operatives with the little resources she had.

Dr Aoife Flanagan entered the quiet room.

'Good morning, Commander. How are you today?' She opened Shepard's file on her omni-tool. 'I see the last ossification treatment was well absorbed by your body. If you keep up this pace, one more treatment in two days, and you'll be able to be released. Do you have any complaints or concerns you would like to discuss?'

'Two days? Can't it be sooner? I would like to get away from this place as soon as possible. No offence, Doc.'

'None taken, Commander. Well, let's see, your scan's this afternoon and if everything is clear, we'll have this discussion again. Your implants have been crucial in your recovery. I only wish we could have this technology available here.'

'Yeah, I think that would be difficult, Doc. But if I hear anything, I'll make sure to send it your way. Have you been receiving many patients?'

'Not enough, Commander, not nearly enough. One would think that with all the horrors that happened there would be more hurt and refugees. But... Well, we will survive. There is no other option. Right?'

The kind doctor tried her best to hide the sad cast on her green eyes. Shepard could understand her position. She could have done so much, but there weren't enough people for her to save.

_And I killed an entire race, probably dooming the Quarians to centuries of rehabilitation. What a great protector I am..._

'I understand, Doc. Thank you for everything.'

'Oh, it was nothing, Commander. Now, take your cane and go for a walk, time to stretch and prepare for a possible session of calcification later today.'

With that, Shepard was alone with Liara again. She could hear her friend's soft tapping on the table from her virtual keyboard, too entranced in her work. Her company was pleasant, and she didn't feel crowded. She actually felt safe.

'Liara? What do you think about us going for a walk?'

'Sounds like a great idea, Shepard. Let me get you something decent to wear.'

Finally, she was outside. She was welcomed by the sun and a warm breeze going through her free hair at the hospital's open area. The building was behind her, and she could see a span of maybe 500m2 of rock tiled paths and large squares of green gardens filled with flowers and trees. Keeping her eyes levelled, she could breathe in and almost believe that' nothing had happened. _Everything was just a bloody nightmare._

So much green... Shepard went back to her childhood. Carefree and wild. Looking up slightly, Shepard could see various columns of smoke, black and ominous in the far distance. She crashed back into reality and swallowed it up. I'm not going back there again.

'This place reminds me of Thessia.' Liara did the same as Shepard. Keeping her eyes levelled, she permitted herself some few momentsminutes of illusion. Her friend at her side, clad in the same clothing as her, a soft cotton shirt and thick but soft blue trousers, denim, that was its name. She was in white, and Shepard in bright turquoise. Her friend loved colours, she never knew that. Her hair was loose with an abundance of curls. She looked so different like that, graceful and beautiful.

'Oh! Hello, Aelius. I didn't know you were still here.' Liara recognized the turian soldier she had sent as part of Shepard's rescue party.

'Hello Liara. Hello, Commander Shepard. How are you?'

Shepard's heart clenched, Aelius had a deep resonant voice not too different from Garrus'. Desperation started to rise in her. _It'll pass Joan, breathe..._

Noticing how quiet Shepard was, Liara took the lead. 'All is well. Shepard is recovering and will be out soon. Are you visiting anyone?'

'Yes, the little girl, Alessa. The psychologist requested me to come by today and spend some time with the kid. Apparently, she only speaks when I'm present.'

'I understand. Well, I'm not going to keep you from such important matters. Have a good day, soldier.' Liara and Shepard started to walk.

'Yeah, yes. Until next time.' Aelius left the duo to their walk.

'Thank you, Liara.' Shepard smiled.

'Any time.'

They walked in silence for a while, the sun walking with them and now casting shadows in the opposite direction. Shepard was weak, but the cane held her up, and Liara was a rock at her side.

The cut on her right side was a faint pale line. Her legs held her better, and hopefully the leg stabilizer would come out later that day.

Finding a quiet place to sit under a tree, Liara squirmed, trying to find a way to approach a subject.

'Liara, I know you want to say something, you always fidget like that when you are anxious. What is it?'

'I don't know how to say it, so I'll just shoot.'

Shepard raised an eyebrow to her friend. 'I think you have been spending too much time with me, Liara.'

'May be. But, Shepard, aren't you curious about the Normandy?'

'I don't know. I don't want an answer.'

'But they are all alright. No casualties reported. You didn't read the report on your omni-tool?'

'No...' Shepard felt she was getting better with her lies. But the cold feel of dread still sunk in her stomach. _Joker... they cannot know..._

'Why wouldn't you want to know?'

'I don't know, I think I'm just being ridiculous.'

At that moment, their omni-tools lit up. A direct Alliance message. The Normandy had arrived in the Sol system; they were going to dock on the Luna outpost and report to Adm Hackett.

'I... I...' Shepard looked alarmed.

'Shepard, what is it?'

Shepard wobbled to an upright position. With her cane in hand, she ambled towards the building. Entering her room, she saw the figure who haunted her dreams and terrified her.

Garrus had ditched the reporting, and when the Normandy docked at the Luna base, Cortez already had a shuttle waiting for him. In the driver's seat, it had been so long since he last flown one of these; he found the last shred of peace in him and took off to London.

'Garrus!' Shepard was a hurricane of emotions. She loved and hated him for loving her so much, for being so caring, for being there; for fighting by her side. For believing in her. He was clad, like his eyes and markings, in pale blue civilian clothing with a perfect fitting around his collar and shoulders. Her skin ached for him.

'Joan...' Garrus' soft subharmonics resonated how lost he was without her. He was taken aback from the sight presented to him. The fullness which graced her curves was gone. Her eyes had a distinct greenish hollow reminding him of many sleepless nights of hers that he had witnessed. She was too thin, too pale, too sad, too dim. He opened his arms and waited with his heart beating hard in his chest.

Shepard took a limp run to him, wrapping her arms around him and holding as tight as she could. She felt him doing the same, his hands on her upper back and lower, spanning across as much of her as he could.

With her face in his neck, she didn't know how to cry, so she settled to just burying her face in his neck and breathing him in. She gave him her weight, and he took all of it. Each intake of air telling him how lost she was. _But he will never know. I can never tell him._

Liara was in the corridor, and when she heard Garrus's low voice, she decided to find something else to do with her time for now. _I hope now she can start to get better now ..._

Minutes passed, and Shepard didn't let go. Garrus lifted her up, careful with the immobilized leg and sat down on the couch with her across his lap.

He lowered his head and kissed the top of her head. Her hair still smelled the same, fresh green and citrusy. The feel of it againston his face comforted him. It was soft and warm, and he felt like he finally had come home. 'I'm so happy you are alive...'

'Well, you did order me to come back to you. How could I not follow that?' She said it quietly with a weak smile.

In the back of his mind, Garrus wondered if this was ok. He had good experience with humans, but he still missed a few things. All he knew was that there may be something wrong here.

'Haha, If that is all it takes, then I'm going to ask you to make a solemn vow that you'll never leave me and will not die before I do.'

'What? No, when the time comes we will go together in a blaze of glory or when we are old and grey surrounded by family.' Her heart tightened. She wanted to be dead as much as she wanted to be alive and with him.

Garrus had a thoughtful cast on his features with tight mandibles and intense eyes. 'Do you see a future like that?' He asked, looking deep into her eyes. _Do you see this future for us? _He didn't dare say.

She averted her eyes, she talked too much. 'Perhaps one day, the war IS over.'

Garrus held her tight. She was there and not there at the same time. Pushing the nagging feeling aside, he carried on.

'So, tell me, how have you been?

'Better than expected, I guess. My body is healing well. I've got to thank Miranda. She did a good job reconstructing me.'

'I knew you were strong, Joan, but...' He looked pointedly to her cast leg. 'The Spirits must be really making an effort to make me happy.'

'Apparently. Maybe they have done too much...'

'What do you mean?'

'Hm? Oh, nothing... How have you been?'

'Stranded, the Normandy took some damage; we crash landed on an uncharted planet. To our luck, the planet was habitable, and fixing the ship wasn't too much of a hassle.'

Garrus observed her like an eagle... 'What happened after the Major and I left with the Normandy?'

'I don't know.' Shepard lied again. Looking out the window beside him, she continued. 'It's one big blur. I remember saying goodbye to you and him, there was an explosion which shot me away. I woke up, killed the few remaining Marauders, and ran to the Beam.'

Taking a deep breath and making the final decision that she will never mention what happened to anyone, she continued. 'I arrived in a dark place, the Illusive Man... he was there... he shot Anderson, he killed him... after that I passed out... I was so tired... I believe The Crucible locked in place and fired. After that I have no idea how I came back to Earth'

Garrus gave her a puzzled look, and she amended. 'Yes, I am myself, implants and all. No clone or reconstruction needed. I was actually in sort of decent shape when I was found 4 or 5 days later I think.'

Garrus took a deep breath. 'You are here, those memories may or may not come back. I don't really care. I have you in my arms, I will notwon't argue with that.'

'Huh, Liara said kind of the same thing. So, no casualties?'

'None living. Edi was erased. Joker is completely devastated.'

'I see.' Shepard barely flinched, she was getting better at hiding.

'They stayed back, but I couldn't wait.' With her firmly cradled in his lap, he ran the fingers of his free handhis other hand's finger along her jaw.

She held that hand there and with hers on his neck, pulled him down to kiss him.

His skin was warm and inviting, tough and velvety smooth at the same time. His lips were nothing like a human's, but still managed to melt her insides. His tongue caressed her, and she surrendered her mouth to him.

Her mouth was his heaven. She loved his upper and lower lip with soft wet kisses, and when the time came, he nibbled on her soft full lips making her part for him, and penetrated her with his tongue. The feel of it surrounded by her lips and tongue was something not even the most articulate poet would be able to explain. He set a rhythm, and the soft moans that came from her satisfied every hungry part of him.

His tongue on her mouth deliciously caressing her insides awoke her body. It had a slight phallic shape, less flat than a human's and a little longer. She gave it little sucks, knowing how much it drove him wild. She was completely his in that moment and craved his presence in other parts of her body. But he remained somewhat chaste.

Garrus craved tearing off her clothes and possessing her right there. But she was too fragile, too hurt to be able to take him. _We have all the time in the world._

The kiss ended with Sheppard half laying on him and half on the couch. The unlikely couple was breathing heavily and neither said a word. They just enjoyed that peaceful moment of their reunion.

Sheppard's deception was working. _I can leave this behind me. I can._


	7. Chapter 7

**Ok, Dear Readers. Seventh chapter. I'm going to post every wednesday and every saturday. Here's some steamy bits... ;)**

**Feedback is always appreciated :)**

***hugs***

**Have fun!**

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**Chapter 7:** Once upon a time

Major Kaidan Alenko sat through the 5 long hours of updating Hackett and the rest of the commanding officers. He reported everything that happened from the moment the Normandy raided the Cerberus base, then arriving on Earth before the last battle until they left for Commander Shepard to stealth a last push to the Beam and then to the Citadel.

All questions were asked and answered, and he was given a choice; to stay as Commander Substitute of the Normandy during Shepard's absence – _She's alive..._ – or take a leave of absence for a few weeks to shake off the strain of the battle. He chose the latter, he needed to look for his family and get his bearings on this new reality.

Kaidan was in his quarters gathering up the few emergency supplies he got at the Citadel after leaving Earth in a rush. There was going to be a transport shuttle bound to Alliance Headquarters in a few days, and he needed to be ready. But all he could think of was that she was alive... and she was probably with Garrus right now. The turian left the moment the Normandy docked.

oO0~0Oo

Earth, soon after the Collectors were defeated, 8 months ago.

Kaidan had been tasked to accompany Shepard to the countless hearings she had been summoned to attend that day. She had been under house arrest since she dutifully surrendered herself and the new Normandy to the Alliance after destroying the Collector home world and saving the human race, again. She was the strongest, most goal oriented, iron willed woman he had ever met and fell in love with. But that was over, he destroyed any hope of a relationship with her, and now she was with Garrus.

He went to her apartment in the outskirts of Abbotsford to pick her up and escort her for the day in downtown Vancouver.

'Come in.' The voice came from the depths of the apartment.

'Commander?'

'Don't call me Commander, I'm on probation, and for the duration, I'm relieved of my duties. Did they trick you into babysitting me today?' She kept her voice terse and matter of fact from the shelter of her closed bedroom door. Shepard couldn't believe of all people Anderson could have sent, he chose Kaidan. She had forgiven him but hadn't forgotten what he said at Horizon, and hearing his voice brought back memories she still cared for but would rather have forgotten.

'Yes, Anderson requested for me to escort you.' A memory bubbled up in Kaidan's mind and he turned his back to her door and tried to distract himself. Looking around, he saw a concise space, a small living room with an open adjacent kitchen; the place was wrapped around with a full glass wall giving way to a small landing pad for a skycar. It was a nice place to stay in between missions.

'Thank you, Lieutenant.' He heard the door opening completely. 'I like to keep the windows and doors open and let some air go through the room after I take a shower and before I get dressed.'

Kaidan remembered that. Back in their days at the Normandy, she would always have the internal ventilation system on high every time she finished showering. He also remembered her walking around her quarters with nothing on, picking out her uniform and laying it on the bed, and then brushing and drying her hair to tie it back in a bun before dressing. He loved to just sit there and watch. It was such a private moment between the two... His throat was dry.

'So, we have three hearings today: one in 2 hours, at 08:00, another at 11:00 and a final one at 14:00.' She stated.

'Yes. Maybe it's time for you to start to drink coffee.'

'Maybe, Lieutenant, but you know I've never been much of a fan of coffee.'

'I remember...' He gave a low answer under his breath.

She came around him dressed in a turquoise silk chemise cinched at the waist and long enough to go down to the middle of her thighs. She was wearing boots so long that he wondered if they stopped at the top of her thighs or if they were actually pants attached to shoes. It overlapped under the hem of her chemise making her look disingenuously covered. The thought of her in nothing but those boots clouded his mind. _She would be lying down on the bed, while he kissed her down her spine... tickling her with his breath all the way to the top of her bottom.._

'What? Okay, I'm ready.' She picked up her black leather messenger bag and threw it across her shoulder, the strap resting nicely under her side swept braid, nestling down between her breasts and hugging her right hip.

Startled, Kaidan looked at her face, and his heart skipped a beat. She was more beautiful than ever. She wore almost no makeup, just something to frame her brown eyes, and the dusting of freckles on her skin was still there, just as he remembered. The healthy flush of her cheeks underneath it combined with her full, slightly shiny lips, answered the question if he still loved her. _Yes, I do._

In his skycar downstairs, she sat on the front seat to his right. With the seatbelt clasped and holding on to the last of his wits, he ordered the vehicle to go to the first hearing place.

The first two meetings were back to back. He waited outside, passing time by reading or playing games on his omni-tool. When she came out, he noticed how serene she looked. 'So, I'm thinking everything went alright.'

'To a point, yes. They finally saw that even though I was with Cerberus, my practices were still Alliance, and there wasn't anything in my actions to prove it otherwise.' She looked pointedly at him and began walking. 'Let's go find somewhere to eat. I'm starving.'

His heart took the punch, but he already knew he had been wrong. Quietly, he fell into pace beside her, and they went to a restaurant nearby. Lunch was quiet; they ordered steaks and traded nonsense about the days of raiding Geth bases. After that, they left for the final and probably the longest hearing of the day.

Again he stood in the halls and waited for 6 more hours. By the end of the wait he was emotionally drained. He had grinded and re-grinded everything he had told her at Horizon. Sometimes changing the scenarios, sometimes she slapped him, sometimes she kissed him and a couple of ones he shot Garrus between the eyes.

Around 20:13 the door opened and Shepard came out with a triumphant look on her face. Her solid steps took her to him and she said. 'It's over. We can go now.' She didn't give him any sign she was open to elaborate on the subject.

They walked in silence and in the car he hesitated, his tongue burning with the question. 'So, you mean you have been cleared?'

She looked at him and there was a little light of defiance in her eyes, a little I told you so. 'Yes. That part of my life is closed. I've finally been cleared.' She took a deep sigh. 'I'll still be watched and monitored. They want to see if they can catch Cerberus trying to contact me, and I'm ok with that. I believe I'll probably be reinstated in a few months.'

'That is good to hear, Shepard. So you have more freedoms now?'

'Yes. I can come and go as I please to a point, but I cannot leave the city without requesting an escort and only for urgent matters. All my communications are still being monitored...' She gave a laughing sigh. 'The Illusive Man will never contact me again. I tried to explain it to them, but they were stubborn. Well, it's their time and money, not mine, they are free to monitor until they are thoroughly satisfied.'

'Would you mind if I take you home through a different route?'

'Alright, I guess my somewhat freedom can take that.' Her voice had a lighter tone.

He punched a route on the car's panel, and they took off. The ride was quiet. Shepard kept looking outside her window and taking deep breaths every now and then.

'Is everything alright, Shepard?'

'Yes, Lieutenant.' With every Lieutenant she spoke, his heart ached a little more.

They arrived at a park, Stanley Park according to the sign. Kaidan got out of the car and opened Shepard's door. She had a puzzled look on her face.

'I thought you would like to come here.'

'It's a nice place, Lieutenant.' She conceded a small grateful smile and entered the park, leaving her bag behind.

They reached one of the gardens. It was late at night and the bustle of people was long gone. There were only a couple caretakers here and there. They took a narrow stone path which Kaidan knew would take them to where he wanted to show her.

After a short silent walk with Shepard's eyes drinking in the lush surroundings and Kaidan watching her every move, they arrived at a gently illuminated lakeside. It was surrounded by soft sloping grass that ended in a shore of small pebbles leading to the water. Shepard stopped at the sight. It resembled her grandparents' place.

She got off the path, walked a few metres and sat in the middle of the grass, still warm from the day's sun. Kaidan approached her and sat beside her. Not too distant, but close enough to still feel the heat of her skin. Shepard felt safe, not alone, familiar and furious over what she still felt for him.

He broke the silence with his bedroom raspy voice. 'Yeah, I remember. You spoke about your grandparents' home with so much longing that it stuck with me. Today I saw an opportunity and seized it.'

'Thank you, Lieutenant.' Her voice was cold but breathless, maybe a little shaky. 'I haven't been there in years. Maybe when all this is over I can go back there.'

'Shepard... Joan... will I ever hear you speaking my name again?'

She looked at him, and the hurt and confusion he saw in her eyes rivalled the look she gave him in Horizon. She had to still feel something for him to look at him like that. It was all or nothing, so he took the chance.

'I'm so sorry, I was beyond wrong.' He lowered his head in self admonishment. 'I judged you, and all my words were filled with my grief of losing you. I was lost without you, and it took me a long time to get myself functioning again.'

'I can understand that, Lieutenant. I forgive you.' She really did. It was his choice and although she would never have done the same to him, it was his choice and his opinion. She had to respect that. _Yes, but how could I ever?_

Kaidan's heart sank at hearing his title again. After a long silence, he was startled when she spoke again.

'I was lost without you too. I woke up at a medical facility, and I felt like I had the most tiring deep sleep of my life. I was disoriented, the place was under attack, and I had to fight my way out of there. My face was scarred and still healing; I could see the red lights of my ocular implants in my eyes.' She looked away from him.

Kaidan remained still, afraid that if he moved he would scare her and he would never know what happened.

'I was taken to a Cerberus base, I went along with it. I was at a complete disadvantage and wanted to know what was going on. I think it was the same one we raided before going to Earth, and it was there where I met the Illusive Man. He explained to me what was going on, and in simple words, told me he would give me all the resources I needed to take down the Collectors and stop the Reapers.' Shepard took a deep breath... _I can't believe I'm opening myself to be judged by him, again..._

'In a way, I'm thankful to him.'

Kaidan was taken aback. 'Really?'

'C'mon, look at me. He gave Miranda all the resources, spared nothing, and I'm here intact. Myself, plus a few extras... but still, the same person who fought at Elysium, defeated Saren, who...' Shepard averted her eyes, looking at the reflexions of the surrounding leaves on the rippling water.

'In a way, yes. I'm alive, because he believed he could bring me back. Otherwise I wouldn't even be rotting. The Collectors would have gotten my body, and I can't even imagine what they would have done to it. I would have been dead. I don't feel like I owe him anything, what business we had is over. But yes, I am.'

Kaidan was completely surprised with what he was hearing. But now, his perception wasn't coloured by grief anymore. He understood her point and this time, he was at peace with what she was saying and maybe a little thankful too...

'Hm.' Shepard gave a quiet laugh... 'People can say what they want about him, and he IS a monster, but he knew how to delegate and get the best to achieve a goal. After the wild goose chase the Council and the Alliance put us through after the Citadel attack, I weighed the odds and decided to go for it.'

'I don't know if I would have been capable of doing the same.'

'I know.'

'But today, I respect your choice.'

She looked at him. 'I had a good team, and when Garrus and Tali joined me, I knew I could take anything down.'

'I'm sorry I didn't believe you when we met in Horizon.'

'Yes... I'm sorry for you too. After that, I knew I needed someone who would not only fight alongside me but would walk in to hell itself by my side regardless of the uniform I wore.'

This punch made his guts freeze. With a hoarse voice, he answered. 'Garrus...'

'Yes.' She stared at the quiet lapping ripples of water in the lake. 'He made me feel safe. I knew he would always have my back. I already respected him as a soldier, but then I trusted him completely. I opened myself to him, and he helped me to pick up the pieces.'

Now it was Kaidan's turn to look at the lake. He had lost her. _I lost her..._ and his heart broke all over again.

They sat there in a companionable silence for a long time. In the gap between the two, the weight of how things ended between them thickened the air. Each in their own skin, wondering what could have been. One moment, Kaidan felt her looking at him. Her eyes were fierce, and the fire he saw in them burned him from inside out. 'Joan...'

He kissed her, and with all of her, she kissed him back. Angry and needing, she drank him in as parched desert soaked water, and he lost himself in it. His hands went to her waist, and he held her so tight she lost her breath.

Her fingernails were digging in his shoulders then up to his hair pulling it hard, she was making him hurt while feeling all of him. She kissed along his cheek and bit the place where his neck met his shoulder. 'I hated you so much... I loved you...' She breathed on his neck.

He knew he would have her teeth marks there for a day or two. He didn't care about the hurt. Each scratch and pull exorcised a little of his guilt and pain away. 'I'm so sorry for what I did...' he breathed back to her lips.

'Kaidan.' His name was a moan he swallowed as he found her lips again. He crushed his body on hers, and she lay down on the grass.

He followed on top of her. Her legs parted of their own accord, and he found his place there, now closer than ever, pouring out the hunger he had bottled for her. His kiss was demanding and possessive; her hands were on his back, legs locking with his, anchoring him to the planet with her. He started kissing her cheeks, neck, ear... she was so sensitive behind her ears... down her neck, reaching her cleavage and inhaling the scent of her.

Sheppard's head was reeling with nostalgic lust and waning anger. Everything about him was both new and familiar. She surrendered to him, and while he was making way down her neck, she held him so close her nails were probably leaving a path on his back, under his clothing. _He is so soft..._

Sheppard froze. _Garrus..._ She still loved him, and when they parted, they had made plans to meet up again and continue what they had. She couldn't do this to him, to her. _I love him._

For that small moment, she had completely surrendered to him. 'Kaidan, please... stop.' She was breathless. Her clothing was skewed, hair disheveled and lips swollen from his kisses.

Kaidan stopped immediately. Searching her eyes, he didn't see the grief and anger anymore, but he could guess what had made her stop. He leaned his forehead on hers. 'Decide what you want, Joan, I'll be waiting for you. I love you with everything that I am, and I won't go anywhere.'

After that fateful encounter, a short quiet ride took them back to her apartment, he left her there and went straight home. Seeing himself in his bathroom mirror, he touched the marks she left on his skin, on his back, his neck. They were proof that it really happened, proof he still had a place in her heart. And he would wait for her. One day, he would have a chance to get her back.

oO0~0Oo


	8. Chapter 8

**Ok, Dear Readers. The schedule of posting every wednesday and saturday is still on. Here's some steamy bits... ;)**

**Feedback is always appreciated :)**

***hugs***

**Have fun!**

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**Chapter 8**

Back on Earth, two days passed in a blur. Sheppard's leg was free, and the doctor was trying to get her to stay a few more days. Shepard was done with that place. She felt like her whole world was bathed in that red light, and she had to struggle to keep her head out of the water.

'Doc, please. I'm going to an Alliance base, there will be a medical facility there. I'm fine. Please let me go.' She pleaded.

'Sheppard, your scans still show that your leg needs rest. There's still trace inflammation in the affected joints. You need to gain back at least 5 kilos of healthy weight; your fit body didn't have enough reserves for the ordeal you went through. You need rest.'

'I promise to be off my feet, minimum walking and a lot of eating.' _Please, let me go and_ _disappear_. She couldn't wait to raid her apartment in Abbotsford and go to her real home, a small cottage near Lake Bear. There she could disappear and forget the world.

'Doc, she won't change her mind. I'll make sure she won't hurt herself and get her back to good health.' Garrus, looking pointedly to Shepard, tried to reason with the two of them.

'Doctor Aoife, I'll personally oversee that.' Liara affirmed.

'Alright, we don't have too many patients, but the extra bed could be useful... And you are well enough to leave. I'll update the system, and you'll have your leave this morning. I expect you will follow the full guidelines of your treatment until the end- all medicines, diet and scans. I will hold all three of you responsible if anything happens to the Commander. Do we have an understanding?' The incredulous doctor looked at them with a suspicious eye, her voice hinted she wanted to appease but still knowing everything would be alright.

Shepard managed a triumphant smile. 'Thank you, doc.'

The doctor left and closed the three accomplices in the room. They looked at each other and knowing mischievous looks crossed their faces.

'Alright, I'm free. What now? Has Hackett given you any instructions, Liara?

'What? How? You knew?'

'Liara, you're not the only one who can gather intelligence around here.' She gave her an appeasing smile. 'I'm not mad. I would have done the same in his place. But now I'm ok enough, and I'm sure he wants to see me.'

'Yes, he asked if Garrus and I could get you to the Luna base. The Normandy is being repaired at their dry dock.'

'Alright then, let's go.'Commanded Shepard.

oO0~0Oo

As they flew by, they could see that some of the biosphere domes on the moon's surface were no more, there was only rubble left. The trio arrived at the Luna base in the last quarter of the day cycle. The shuttle Garrus had used to get to earth delivered them safely on the terraformed moon. Much of it was still intact; most of the civilian fuel mining plants were functioning at full speed and the military base was eerily untouched. Perhaps it was because most of it was underground and only the very top showed outside, like an iceberg.

Shepard was apprehensive about meeting her crewmates. Her process of makeshift compartmentalization of her feelings was working, but now it was going to be put to test. They touched down at the dock and were welcomed by the very affectionate Cortez and Traynor.

'Commander, you are alive! I couldn't believe the report!' Traynor saluted but was still fidgeting in excitement.

'Commander, it's so good to see you' Cortez also saluted.

'Yes, thank you for your concern, Traynor, Cortez.' Shepard saluted in kind. Warming her eyes to them, she set ties on herself to keep herself from breaking down. It would only get harder the more crewmembers she met. And there was still Joker, he would be the toughest one.

'How are the repairs of the Normandy?'

'The rough landing dented her a little but nothing that a couple of weeks on dry dock won't fix' Cortez informed.

'Yes. Also, Tali, I and an appointed group are trying to get Edi back. The ship really needs her to be at its full potential.' Traynor had a sad cast on her face.

'Is she really gone?' Shepard asked.

'It all indicates that yes, she is. We speculate the Crucible was an anti-AI weapon and rightfully so erased all AI in the galaxy, which actually makes sense in a way.'

'Makes a lot of sense, billions of years of civilizations fighting the Reapers they would definitely go straight to the core, which is irrefutably AI.' Cortez chimed in.

'Do what you can Traynor, please do what you can to bring her back.' _Maybe if what I did could be undone? No, I still traded the life of others to keep my own._

'I will, Commander, I will.' Traynor's face couldn't hide her grief. She and Edi had good moments together.

Cane in hand she said her goodbyes and set her path to Command Office. She passed through all bureaucracies and after what seemed like kilometres of corridors, they finally arrived. Admiral Hackett was oddly dressed in black fatigues; she had never seen him without his officer's blue before.

'Hello Shepard. Garrus, Liara.' Hackett stood up, greeted the group and showed them the chairs in front of his desk so they could sit.

'How are you, soldier?' He went back to his desk with too many screens and digital readers strewn all over it.

'Never better, Admiral.' Sheppard gave a big fake smile. 'But honestly, I'm healing, and in a few days I'll be able to go back to active duty. The good doctor gave me a thorough treatment plan, and I'll be brand new in no time.'

Hackett looked at Liara and Garrus, and they looked back with an exasperated look. 'Well Commander, no matter if you are injured or not, I'm placing you on leave for 60 days.'

'What? You've got to be kidding me!' _Thank you... _

Hackett raised an eyebrow.

'I'm sorry. Why, Admiral?

'You are one of my best soldiers, and you and Major Alenko are Humanity's only SPECTRES. I need you to set your life in order for the chaos that is to come with all the worlds' structures in tatters as they are. You need time to level your bearings, and I know you still have family you haven't heard about yet. Do know that your father is safe, and he's here at the base.'

'Thank you, and I understand, Admiral. I'll go to the Normandy and pack up my essentials shortly.'

'Yes. But first I need your full report on the last battle. Garrus, I have spoken with Primarch Victus, and he requested you contact him. Your assistance was and is invaluable. The Alliance and I would request, if you'll accept, for you to keep your work with us and help us bridge relations with the Turian military.'

'Thank you, Admiral, I'll take that into consideration. I'll also submit a report on the last assignment.'

'Thank you, Garrus.'

'Liara, we have intell that your base is intact and has survived the attacks unscathed. Feron has sent for you, there is a small ship waiting for you at the docks. The Alliance and I personally appreciate all the effort and support you provided the Alliance and the Human race, especially you as an assari civilian. There is no rush for your departure, in fact you can stay as long as you like. Your presence has been of great value, and I'm sure it always will be.'

'Thank you, Admiral. I will go to the Normandy and update the databases. The ship's communicator is of great value. If you'll excuse me, I'll take my leave. See you later, Shepard. Admiral, Garrus.' Liara left.

'Shepard, I need to speak privately with you'

'I'll go too. My report will be in the system in 30 minutes, Admiral. See you at the Normandy, Shepard.' Garrus left.

Now alone with Shepard, Hackett looked more pointedly at the soldier in front of him. He was worried by what he saw; she looked like death, but he kept the concern out of his voice.

'Ok soldier, start from the beginning.'

'We arrived on Earth and coordinated a final push with Anderson. I took Garrus and Major Alenko as support while we escorted the cannons into position. We took down the reaper in the vicinity, and the Normandy came to pick up the nonessential troops in case this mission failed.' Shepard took a deep breath. _I can do this_. 'We made the last couple hundred metres on foot and were caught in a peripheral explosion. I managed to survive and make my way into the Beam.'

Hackett was listening with intense quiet, as if absorbing every single detail Sheppard related to him. 'What happened at the Beam?'

'The Beam felt like I was yanked from the ground by an extremely powerful G force. It dropped me in a chamber full of bodies.' The memory soured in Shepard's stomach. Nothing in the world could have prepared her to see and smell that many bodies piled up like pebbles on a beach. But she continued.

'Anderson managed to reach the beam too, but arrived at a different chamber. We kept radio contact, and I managed to cross the chamber and get into a console deck. The Illusive Man was there, I don't know how, he had Anderson under gun point. I managed to neutralize him, but he shot Anderson first. That was when you contacted me informing me the Crucible wasn't doing anything. A console took me to an open area at the citadel, and there I activated a console that fired the Crucible.' _He doesn't need to know the Illusive Man was right, doesn't need to know about the other choices..._ 'I don't know how I came back to Earth. I believe the console activated a secondary Beam that took me back, since I was found next to the ground Beam structure in London.'

'Shepard, what you have done for Humanity and the Galaxy cannot be quantified.'

'Thank you, Admiral.'

The Admiral's praise felt like sandpaper inside her. She was being praised for something she did not deserve. She didn't do her best._ I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve to be alive._

'Anderson... We are organizing multi-species scout troops to evaluate the Citadel and gauge the damage. The Keepers are still operational and have already cleaned up a lot of the bodies. We will never know how many lost their lives in there but as far as we know, only a portion of the local population survived the battle. Most are being evacuated. We still have no idea where in the Citadel the bodies from earth were taken.'

'What will happen with/to it?' Shepard relaxed, the list of people she was actually obligated to relay the facts was almost over. Now, she had only to face her father.

'The leaders don't know yet. Some want it back to operational and some want it destroyed. I honestly don't want any part in the discussion, and I'm going to leave it to the politicians.'

'That is a healthy way to look at it.'

'I have too much on my plate already.'

'Is there something else you need me to do?'

'Yes, tell me what really happened up there. You are holding something back from me.'

Shepard was startled. He couldn't know anything. He was fishing. 'No, sir, there is nothing else.'

Hackett took his time analysing the soldier in front of him. The battle was over, and whatever happened up there saved trillions. If there was ever a time to let something go, that was the time.

'Alright, soldier. I'll see you in 60 days. Your orders are to get well and come back to active duty. Are we understood?'

'Yes, sir.' Shepard stood up and saluted. The relief spreading through her was palpable.

Shepard left the Admiral's office and walked to the Normandy. She was tired, the day was demanding on her healing body. Pushing forward, passing through the metallic white corridors and grated floors of the station, she passed by her fellow Alliance colleagues. While most just looked, others saluted, and a few came to compliment her. Even though she was polite with every one of them, with each compliment her paces got lengthier and faster. She needed to get out of there.

She managed to enter the ship mostly undetected and went straight to her quarters. Her fish seemed well cared for, and with the tank VI they needed zero exterior interference. Her hamster on the other hand needed to come with her. The little guy was a true survivor. There were a couple footlockers there for her to pack her personal things. She passed by those, let her cane fall on the floor and sat on her bed. Lying back and looking up through the glass roof, she didn't find the stars that often lulled her to sleep. The place felt like it wasn't hers anymore.

Her body gave up on her, and she fell into a deep dreamless sleep after almost two weeks of restless nights.

oO0~0Oo

'You're awake.'

Garrus felt her stir and spoke with a soft resonant voice to welcome her into consciousness. In the dimly lit bedroom, the only light source was the large wall sized fish tank. The dim, soft blue cast was comforting. He had moved her to her side of the bed and covered her with the thermal coverlet. He was hugging her from behind, cocooning her in his warmth. He knew how much she loved it when he did that.

Her heart swelled with her love for him. The cracks in it caused by her selfish act made it ache and gave her a feeling of desperation, but she tried to swallow it down. _I'll be home soon._

He was wearing just his sleep boxers. His alien physique was intriguing. His skin was thick and slightly reflective because of microscopic particles of metal mixed in between the strands of tissue. The texture was soft and velvety and a little dry, but thicker and more resistant than human skin. He had small bulges weaved on the top of his shoulders, arms, and especially around his neck where they met in a vee cascading down his chest. Much like as if he always wore a wide and impressive looking livery collar. He had a small tapered waist that flared into wide hips and strong legs, all wrapped in that delicious skin Sheppard loved to caress.

'Hello, Garrus,' Sheppard pushed back to fill the small gap between their bodies. She noticed she was still clothed minus her shoes. He was always a gentleman with her.

He hugged her closer and pressed his nose in her loose curly hair, breathing her in. 'Mmmm... I missed that smell. Promise me you'll never leave me without it?'

Shepard's heart tightened. She had no idea what she was going to do with her life now. She was empty of reasons to even function properly. But she could never hurt him. _I don't want to hurt you._

'Mmmm, I love when you hold me like this.' _I'm going to enjoy this moment, it can be my last one with him._

'I know...' He spoke in a heavily suggestive voice. She always melted when he spoke like that.

'And you know how much I love when you talk like that...' Sheppard caught his hand and brought his well cared index finger to her lips and started rubbing it as if it was a tube of lipstick, feeling the texture of it on the soft flesh of her mouth.

'Joan...' His voice was a whisper on her ear, laden with desire. 'You are still recuperating, Joan, we can wait.' He tried to wheel his lust back in. His palms and feet soles were extremely sensitive, one of the many reasons why turians only took off their gloves in private.

He felt her smiling on his finger, and she seductively darted her tongue out, licked the top pad of his very sensitive finger then gave it a little bite. She loved the sounds he made when he wanted her. His voice was enough to get her body started.

'Joan...' He breathed on her neck, and then gave it tiny nibbles and little licks on her ear lobes. He adored her skin, it was so much incredibly softer than his own, and much more fragrant. He rasped his upper lip on her neck, and it was her turn to purr.

She turned on her back and swiped her hair up and out of the way, giving him now free access to her whole body, and he took full advantage of that. He caressed her cheek and lowered to kiss her lips. Her hand went up his arm, trailing little scratches with her nails to pull him closer to her.

Giving part of his weight to her, he placed his thigh flushbetween her legs, and she instinctively wrapped hers around his waist, locking him in and allowing her to stoke her fire on his thigh. His hand travelled down and ventured under her shirt, pushing her bra to the side and finding the peaks of her breasts... She was so soft, but so strong... so delicate. Garrus rolled and pinched those peaks, his sensitive hand revelling on her full breasts.

'Garrus... ahh...' She stopped kissing him and pushed back long enough to get rid of her shirt and bra. Once she was free, she went back to kissing him with a vengeance. His hand was on her ribcage, pressing her closer, his thumb caressing the side of her breast while his whole body caressed hers.

His tongue was penetrating her mouth, her lips a cushion of sweet flesh for him to feast on. She nibbled and sucked on his phallic tongue, her tongue caressing him and igniting her, making her hungry and needing.

Garrus went to her breasts and she caught his hand to suckle on his finger. He worshiped her breasts with his lips, trapping her peaks in the inverted vee of his mouth while rubbing them with his warm soft tongue. At each special pull he gave her, she suckled him harder. His sex felt each suck, each lick. Her other hand found it, and she began to rub it from outside his boxers.

He went lower, the smell of her arousal coming through her denim. Freeing his hand, he made quick work of removing her pants and undergarments. From her calves, he caressed the sensitive skin on the insides of her knees and rubbed his face slowly on the inside of her thighs until he reached her bare sex. Sheppard was breathing heavily. Her eyes glazed with lust, she invitingly widened her legs and looked intently at him.

He loved that part of her body. Softly nuzzling her, he parted her lips with his tongue and a needful moan escaped her. Her head back, body arching, she was clawing the sheet. She knew what was coming and her body trembled in expectation.

His velvety smooth, cylindrical tongue teased her entrance. From it, he would lap it up to her peak, then come back and enter a little bit more. He tortured her little by little until he entered her fully and with his mouth started to caress her outside.

Over and over again, in a crescendo of desire, Shepard felt him inside and out, possessing her until she broke under his loving touch. Waves of desire flooded her body and she let go of the sheets to caress his face.

She teased him up to surge above her and before he could poise himself at her entrance, she pushed him back to the bed and climbed on top of him. She was so relieved to be out of her leg cast that she ignored the pain and shifted the brunt of her weight in to her right leg and left arm. Straddling one of his legs, keeping herself ready to receive him, she looked at him and smiled. He knew what was coming, something he had only experienced with her.

Sheppard caressed his thighs, teasing with the tips of her fingers until she reached his sex. It was swollen to its full capacity. It was a perfect variation of a human's. Thick and long, it had a bulgy crest on its length all the way to the top, mimicking his arms and chest. Sheppard loved it and pointedly lowered her lips to it. Coyly licking its tip, it was now Garrus' turn to hold himself to the bed. She licked and kissed him until he was thrashing. 'Joan...'

She sealed her lips around him and sucked him as best as her mouth would allow. The sounds coming out of him were maddening. She kept going until he caressed her head and made her look at him. She crawled up his body and he turned her back to the bed. Looking into her eyes, he searched her entrance and slowly worked himself inside her, taking full appreciation of each sigh sound coming out of her from his possession.

Once he was completely in, he knew to give her time to adjust, then, began to rock inside her. Her arms were cradling him to her body, one of her legs anchored on his waist, and as he surged inside her, he was in heaven. Shepard felt full to the brim, every little piece of her touched by him, caressing her, sparking waves after waves of pleasure only found when giving yourself fully to the person you love.

He touched his forehead to hers and looking into her eyes, he saw her love for him, how he completed her, and a moment before she crashed, her guard lowered and he saw a shadow in her eyes, a haunting void that was too quickly masked by her blissful face calling out his name. He remembered he had seen this shadow before.

He kept his pace and shortly after, he poured himself inside her. The blissful waves taking over his body, she lovingly cradled him to her until his storm was over. Garrus loved how tender she was with him, so completely different from the turian females. _Spirits, this woman has all of me._

oO0~0Oo


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello, dear Readers. The schedule of posting every wednesday and saturday is still on. Sorry I was a bit late today.**

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**Chapter 9**

She had slept only a couple of hours when she woke up with Garrus by her side. Now, after making love with him for what felt like the last time, Shepard lay in bed, her brain being run over by memories. He was lying by her side fast asleep, the sound of his breathing a soothing, lulling, low hum. She turned on her side to look at him.

She had rescued him all those years ago, saved more than his life. When she had found him on C-Sec, he was reckless and borderline vigilante. His thirst for justice blinded him, and he was going down a path that would lead to either his death or the death of innocent bystanders.

Back then, she was already seasoned, and the wisdom from her battles was crucial to guide him, help him find focus and the north to his moral compass. His fire also awoke a drive in her to seek justice; to not only do a mission, but go beyond the bullets and take the situation as a whole.

Two years later, at Omega, she saw the warrior he would become. He was passionate, but never careless. Shepard was proud to see him rise like that. _He is so strong. I don't know where my strength is anymore. I lost it._

Shepard got out of bed and took a shower. She dressed and then kissed the hard warm plate on his forehead before leaving a note telling him she was going to the base's office to try to find her father.

She didn't know what to do. The memory of the Conduit, that child looking AI explaining to her she had three choices. She could control the Reapers by uploading her consciousness to them and die in the process; synthesis, where she would choose for trillions of life to integrate human and machine into a hybrid life form that also would result in her death; or destroy, and with that she would wipe out all AI in the galaxy and maybe, just maybe she could survive. Blue, green and red.

She chose her life above all others. She didn't want to die. She had a say this time, and she chose to live. She chose love and a chance of a future without war. She was selfish, she destroyed the red cables that connected the Conduit, the AI that controlled the invaders. With that, the whole place shone red, and she was no more... until she woke up on earth, surrounded by debris and dogs barking.

Walking out of the Normandy, thankfully only bumping into repair crews, she requested her father's location from the personnel office. Walking as fast as her body would allow, the pain in her leg an infuriating background noise from her movements, she braved the long distance to the office he was occupying while his ship was being repaired.

oO0~0Oo

Rear Admiral Plinius Shepard had woken up early to finish the bureaucratic nonsense required to start the aid mission he was planning to coordinate with the surviving Elcor leaders. He was at a temporary office with too many data pads on his desk.

He heard a knock.

'Come in.'

'Hi, papa.'

Plinius couldn't believe his eyes. His daughter was really here, in front of him. He stood up to his full height and, with large steps, went to hug his daughter.

'3 years sweetie, three years! It's too long. I lost you, and now you are back.' He hugged her tight. In the back of his mind, he couldn't help but notice how slight and fragile his daughter was.

'I'm sorry, pap. I had an assignment.' She hugged him back as tight as she could.

'That is the understatement of the millennia! How are you, Joan? I'm so proud of you.'

'I'm alright, healing...' - she smiled, raising her cane – 'Hackett placed me on leave and now I have 60 days to get better before going back to active duty.'

'Hackett is a wise man. You and the Major are one of the highest cards the Alliance have at the moment, and if he doesn't loosen up the reins on you two it would be easy to run you into the ground.' He pointed to the small sitting room in the corner of the office.

Sitting across from each other, her father's deep voice was a balm to her frayed conscience. As long as he didn't ask too many questions, that was. Shepard's father had always been her best friend. While her mother was demanding and authoritarian and sometimes downright vicious, he kept the balance. Their personalities were so alike that he always understood her, sometimes without even having to ask. They spoke about her missions, killing Saren, and her time on Cerberus. He was surprised at how much freedom she had.

'So you could have just simply taken that ship and come back straight to the Alliance, and they wouldn't have much to do about it?'

'Something like that. The Illusive Man would have been beyond enraged, and there would have been some type of retaliation, but basically, yeah. The whole crew was handpicked with no previous affiliation, apart from Miranda and Jacob who at the end decided to leave Cerberus as well.'

Continuing talking about the last mission, uniting the galaxy and the final battle, Shepard was apprehensive, and her father always read her so well.

'So you woke up on Earth.'

'Yes, I completely blacked out. Maybe the console I used to activate the Crucible beamed me back. Well, it could have been only that, I don't see another explanation.'

'I see.' He looked intently at her. 'I also see something happened. You are not the same.'

_I need to make this believable. I have successfully lied to him before._ 'I'm tired of all the death. You know I've never been as ruthless as mother. Leaving Earth while it was being torn down, watching Palaven burn firsthand and witnessing the entire planet being decimated. Thessia was on its way down the same path, and I was there; I lost a battle there. You know losing never stopped me from doing anything, and at the end, we won. But now, I don't know. I need a break, and when Hackett told me I had a shore leave of 60 days, I could not believe my luck. I've been fighting nonstop for 2 years.' – she gave a tired sigh.

'I understand, kid. I hear your cottage's area is still functioning. Are you going there?'

'Yeah, I've got provisions there. Do you have any news from grandma and grandpa?' Relief washed through her. That was it, she could bury what happened and move on.

'Yes, they are alive. Their region was far away enough away to buffer out the brunt of the attack. Terra Nova will recuperate faster than any other human colony. Their size and organization were a big factor.'

'There are cargo shuttles bridging Alliance headquarters and this base. I believe there is one to Vancouver in four days.'

'Thank you, papa. Will you come visit me?'

'I don't know, sweetie. I'm taking a group of ships to aid Dekuna. The Elcor lost all their forces, and they didn't have much to begin with. But I'll see what I can manage.' The military officer disappeared when he talked with his daughter. In that moment he was just "pappa" and the worry in his eyes could not be hidden by years of military hardening.

'Thank you.'

She stood up, and they embraced one last time. Walking out of her father's office, Shepard looked down at her feet and decided that this first step she would take would symbolize a new life. Everything that happened before would be filed away, and she would never go back there again.

oO0~0Oo

Kaidan woke up with a start. He was saying goodbye to her again while bullets were flying everywhere. Shaking the memories of his dream away, he gathered his things and hit the showers. He didn't have much to do until the shuttle to the Alliance headquarters left in four days. There was a small village not far from the base which was still intact and was a temporary home mainly for the workers in the mines and some of the more permanent staff from the base. Setting his goal, he dressed in his civilian clothing and took the course to the transport bay.

Walking down the corridors, his mind was swarming with plans to find his mother once he reached Vancouver and then their orchard near Revelstoke, his parents had a home there. And he would be glad to find out where his father was deployed to, so he could at least have some peace.

He almost lost his balance. The soldier he ran into had a cane, and it hit him in the shin. _Ouch, that hurt!_ He had to hold the person up because clearly he... no, she, had been seriously injured, and if it wasn't for his help the woman would have been on the floor.

'Kaidan!' Shepard was breathing heavily.

'Shepard! What, how...? You're here?' He had his arm around her waist, holding her tight and flush to him so what he first thought was a random soldier, could find his or her footing and balance. But then he softened his stance and welcomed her in his embrace. She was tense but when she said his name, probably because she only recognized him then, he felt her body relaxing, becoming soft and warm. Colour blossomed on her cheeks.

'Kaidan, hi...' - She placed her hands on his shoulders. – 'Well, this brings back memories...' - she laughed and winced at the same time.

With a secret smile on his lips, he spoke with his raspiest bedroom voice. - 'You're hurt. Here, let me.' - He lifted her up in his arms and walked her to a nearby sitting room. He saw she looked beaten but feeling her in his arms worried him. She was so light.

With her cane dangling from her arm strap, Shepard was fully aware of the Major's strong arms enveloping her. A small part of her heart tightened in her chest.

'Always the helper. Thank you, Kaidan.' He set her on the couch.

'Ahm, yeah. You're welcome. So I think this means you are alive and well. Mostly well.' Kaidan's heart was racing. She was there, in the flesh , alive and kicking. His shin would have the proof of that for the next few days.

'Yes, and I see you are also well and probably leaving?'

'Oh, this? Yeah, there is a small commercial centre in a dome nearby, and I was going there to pass the time. Hackett placed me on leave, and the shuttle back to Earth leaves in a few days.'

'You and me both. Got the whole "take care of yourself and come back good as new" speech from him too.'

'So, you are stranded here like me.'

'Yes. I'll probably go see if my apartment is still standing and then go to my cottage near Lake Bear.'

'Wow, that is pretty remote. Don't you worry about supplies?'

'Nah, after I finished with Cerberus, I hired Kassumi to resupply both places. They are packed to the brim. The apartment I don't know about, but the cottage definitely is. There is a fallout shelter there.'

'You don't take any chances, huh?'

'As long as it is within my reach and control? No.' She laughed.

'I know. I'm basically doing the same. Vancouver, then Revelstoke.'

'The orchard. Did you get any more news from your mother?'

'You remember... Yeah. She said things are pretty quiet over there. Normal, as far as the situation allows it. Did you have any news of your father? Grandparents?'

'They are all ok. Actually, I was leaving my father's office when you ran me over.' - She mock rubbed her head. – 'You should have headlights so people can see you coming!'

'I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else. But hey, wanna tag along?'

'To the village?'

'Yeah, get your mind off things. Have you had breakfast yet?'

'No, I haven't. Isn't it too early in the day cycle for that?'

'Nah, I bet they have it every quarter cycle. You know, for the different mine shifts.'

'Makes sense. Well, let's go then.'

oO0~0Oo

Joker had been sitting in the same pub chair for the past 2 days. With a glass of scotch in his hand, his eyes were dead, not looking at anywhere specific. His mind was questioning the sanity of his feelings. Was he stupid enough to have fallen for an AI? His heart kept answering no, he wasn't. He loved her even before it was a she. Her voice kept him company at all hours of the day at the helm. He was always mostly alone there. They would trade jokes and just talk about everything. Then she became a physical being. She had a face, and he could touch her. She could experience him and he her as man and woman, and he was complete. With her gone, he lost part of himself.

Kaidan and Shepard entered the pub and found it comfortably full. It was an Irish themed place in shades of old wood, silver and green. With a bar on the length of the right wall, the rest of the decently sized room was filled with tables which could seat from 2 to 6 people. It was still made from the same prefab materials any colony would, but it seemed the owner had made an effort to break the monotony.

There were many uniforms there. Some Alliance, some EAE uniforms (apparently the Eldfell-Ashland Energy reactivated their mines there), and some regular civilians. Kaidan and Shepard found an empty booth and parked there.

A waitress came to take their order.

'So, what are you having?'

'Hmm, I believe the lady wants a dark hot chocolate and I eggs and bacon on toast, and orange juice. Do you want anything else, Shepard?'

'Thank you, Kaidan. No, just this for now.' Shepard looked at the waitress and the woman left.

'Sorry, couldn't help it.' He had a cheeky smile on his face.

'Huhm, sure. So, tell me about this new planet you guys discovered near Sol.'

Breakfast came and they talked for a good hour. They traded stories about their first mission and about Kaidan's covert assignments while she was with Cerberus. Kaidan was very curious about some of her crew during her time outside the Alliance.

'Mordin, he was a piece of work. Never stopped and had an incredibly sharp mind. Sometimes I would enter the lab, and he would be singing. I tell you, you haven't lived until you witness a salarian singing!'

'You're joking! I would have paid to see that!'

'Wait, do you hear that?' Shepard looked to the back of the pub.

The old bartender was trying to reason with a customer . The man had his back to them and wore a black cap, simple black t-shirt, and denim trousers, but when he spoke they both immediately knew who it was.

'Sir, you've had enough. Please, let us arrange transport for you to go back to the base.'

'No! Please, just one more. I need to... one more...'

Kaidan and Shepard went to the bar to check on Joker and found a heartbreaking scene. His beard was beyond unkempt, his once beautiful green eyes were bloodshot and sunk with deep grey circles.

'Joker?'

'Commander! You are here... please command the kind bartender to serve me another shot?'

'Alright, Joker, I believe you just had your last shot.' He smelled like he had fallen into a vat of liquor and had forgotten to shower for days. Shepard's heart sank at the sight of him.

'But Commander, I need... her... I need sleep... see her...' He blacked out on the bar top, sleep finally taking over him.

Kaidan saw a tear threatening to escape Shepard's eye, but she looked away. 'I'll get him. Could you call for transport?'

'Yes. Let me first pay our bills, and we can go.' She paid theirs and Jeff's bill which was substantial. He opened a tab the moment he was given leave, and the amount showed Shepard just how much her friend had been drinking.

They took a cab to the base and had it park on its dry dock near the Normandy. Kaidan carefully cradled Joker's fragile body, and they made their way to Joker's quarters. Getting out of the elevator, they ran into Garrus and Liara in a heated argument. The moment they saw who was in the elevator, they fell into silence.

'By the Goddess! What happened to him?'

'Grief. If you excuse me, I'm going to lay him on his bunker. Liara, Garrus.' Kaidan left with the valuable pilot. The whole crew loved him to pieces, and seeing him like that was a stark reminder of the ones they lost.

'Shepard, what happened?' Garrus had a guarded tone on his sub-harmonics.

'We were having breakfast at a pub on a dome nearby, and Joker was there. He was...'

'Poor man. I heard from the crew he took Edi's death too hard.' Liara had a sad tone to her voice.

'Yes, he didn't let us remove Edi's "body" from the helm. It was only when Admiral Hackett made a personal request to him that he allowed it.' - Garrus remembered. – 'We were all afraid for him, of the possibility he could have been officially reprimanded. The Admiral was very understanding.'

'I see. I wonder how the Quarians are handling the Geth's absence. I heard they were optimistic with the predictions about how long it would take to fully adapt to Rannoch.' Shepard's defences were wrapped tight on her guilt. Even her body was rigid.

'The Quarians will survive.' – Tali approached the group. – 'Shepard, welcome back.' They embraced. Tali was like the little sister Shepard never had, and she loved the Quarian to pieces.

'We have survived for the past 300 years. It'll just take longer. Although, it feels like Legion died in vain.'

'He really grew on you, didn't he, Tali?' Liara asked.

'Yes, he shared some of the history stored in his databanks with me, some of it from before the rebellions. It was... interesting.' The sad cast on Tali's voice was undeniable.

Kaidan came out from the crew's quarters. 'I believe he'll sleep this off. But I would be less worried if Doctor Chakwas took a look at him.'

'You are right, Kaidan, I'll go find her. I'll talk to you later, Garrus.' Liara left for the med bay.

At that moment, Traynor contacted Tali. 'Tali, would it be possible for you to come here in the engineering room? We are having difficulties with the drive acceleration algorithms.'

'I'll be right there. See you another time, Shepard.' And she left.

Left in the hallway, Shepard, Garrus, and Kaidan looked at each other. The rivalry between Garrus and Kaidan seemed to be long gone, or so Shepard would believe.

'Well, I don't know about you two, but I have packing to do. If you'll excuse me.' Shepard made a quick exit to the cargo elevator.

oO0~0Oo


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello, dear Readers. On time today! YAAAY! 3**

**Feedback is always appreciated :)**

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**Chapter 10**

Normandy, after the failed Cerberus coup attempt on the Citadel.

Garrus didn't know what to think, what to do. Shepard had just told him what happened between her and Kaidan during her house arrest and the Alliance proceedings back on Earth a few months ago.

'Garrus, it was a mistake.'

'Joan, do you care about him?'

'Not as much as I love you. Kaidan has a place in my heart, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to overcome that. But I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. I don't know what I would do without you.'

Garrus closed his eyes and listened to what she was saying with his whole body. Every part of him was manifesting a different response. His mind weighed the odds of losing her, his guts froze with the thought that she allowed another man touch her, his heart ran faster because she, probably unknowingly, just told him that she loved him for the first time.

Shepard looked apprehensively at Garrus' still form in front of her. They were in her quarters, standing in front of her fish tank. He had his eyes closed and a pained expression on his face. She knew she was wrong, but it would have been even worse if she didn't say anything. Especially because Kaidan had come back to the Normandy. Her insides churned.

'Please, look at me.' Sheppard's voice was small, unguarded.

Garrus opened his eyes and gave her his piercing blue eyed stare. Shepard held her stance, open to whatever he would say or do. She would fight for him, and she would apologize until the end of everything in order to not lose him.

He reached for her, took her upper arms in his hands and dragged her close to him. He enveloped her in a tight, desperate embrace. His face buried in her hair, he felt her surrounding him as well, her hands clinging to his back, desperate to hold all of him.

'Did you ever consider not coming back to me?'

'Never. I was taken over by emotion, by anger, by the little love I have left for him and that wasn't enough to make it worth it to lose you. I came to my senses, stopped immediately and ever since I have been nothing but civil towards the Major.' Shepard spoke into his bare chest, inhaling the scent that was only his.

They parted, and he continued with his steely blue stare. 'Are you telling me this only because the Major came back to the Normandy?'

'No, I've been meaning to tell you ever since I rescued you from Menae. Remember the times I came to you in the main battery, I tried to talk to you but you were too busy? Yeah… that many times.'

'Can I kill him?'

'What?! Garrus…'

'What? There's no harm in asking…' - He chuckled. - 'I understand what happened, Joan. We were apart, we didn't know where we stood after wiping away the collectors, and there were still unresolved issues between you and the Major.'

Shepard felt like she just had been released from a 5G prison and came back to normal gravity. She was free from her guilt. There was still a nagging feeling inside her which still missed Kaidan, but she had made her choice.

Garrus snuck out in the middle of the night; he was still shaken from what Shepard had told him. He almost lost her, but she still chose him. Personal affairs in turian culture are expected to be handled civilly and privately. They were still a predator species, and his blood demanded him to kill his opponent. But these kinds of instincts were usually useless, and he would never disrespect Shepard like that. She was fully capable of making her own decisions, and he would never be arrogant enough to take away her choices. Whatever those choices would be, he would respect them as any decent turian would.

Kaidan heard the telling hiss of the observation deck's door. Coming back to the Normandy with Sheppard in command felt like coming home. He looked back and didn't know what to think about who was standing in the threshold. Garrus had a chilling look in his eyes.

'Major.'

'Garrus.'

'What are your intentions towards your Commander?'

'Whatever she orders me to. She's my superior.' Kaidan had a suspicious tone.

'She wasn't your superior a few months back.' His voice was ice.

'No, she wasn't.' _Ah, she must have told him._

'I thoroughly respect her wishes, no matter its nature. Who she wants in her life is her decision. Can I expect you will do the same?'

'Absolutely.'

'Thank you, Major.' Garrus left.

oO0~0Oo

Normandy, current time.

Garrus and Kaidan stood awkwardly in front of the elevator.

'So, how was breakfast?'

'It was alright. They have good food there.'

Garrus looked intently at Kaidan, something in the turian's eyes was akin to something Kaidan could only describe as worry. It was clear it wasn't about him. Garrus turned his look to the elevator, and Kaidan understood it. He was worried about Shepard.

'Good, good. Well, nice seeing you Major. I still haven't heard from my family. We'll talk more some other time.' – Garrus left for the comm room. He still had to contact the Primarch and get news about his family.

oO0~0Oo

Up at the loft, Shepard was sorting her belongings. Her beloved miniature ships collapsed into small squares for easy transport. Her clothing was folded up on her bed. A couple of her private armor and weapons were also set aside for her to put away in one of her footlockers. She reached for her picture frame. A picture of Kaidan popped up on the screen. She remembered when that picture was taken. Eden Prime, their first mission together. _Hum, things were much simpler then._

After getting everything ready, four footlockers were stuffed to the brim, and a pistol had to be left behind. She went to her console and was able to check with Kasumi that she had managed to restock both her apartment and cottage with both levo and dextro supplies, and according to her, "a few other essentials". Shepard could only imagine what the thief meant by that. She didn't know if her apartment or cottage were still standing and spent the rest of her afternoon trying to reach anyone capable of providing the information.

It was almost the end of the day when news finally came in. The apartment wasn't too affected, and her cottage's city was untouched. She had everything ready for her and Garrus._ They'll be safe._ She could even smell the leaves and the water.

With everything settled, she stood in the small office space in her quarters, looking at nowhere specific. The blue light from the fish tank began transitioning from blue, purple, red… 'I don't want to die again'. She pointed the weapon she was working on forward and started clicking the trigger. Sheppard saw only darkness surrounded with red, as if it was an infinite tunnel that sucked her in and drowned her in despair. Darkness.

oO0~0Oo

Garrus finished his last holo-conference for the day. His orders were to organize with the Alliance a new Turian-Human partnership to organize a turian re-settlement in Oma-Kerr and Digeris. There are two billion survivors from Palaven scattered around the galaxy, and they have no way of re-colonizing their home planet in the next 50 years. They arranged plans to fully colonize Oma-Kerr mainly due to its previously low population. Most of the planet was still intact. The Primarch requested him to go to Virmire and convene with the Council and the Turian hierarchy. Just this trip will take weeks.

In all this chaos, he found his father and sister in Senoquol, a salarian colony. They were alright but had nowhere to go, and the levo planet has been running low on dextro rations. _Spirits, what am I going to do?_

Garrus wrapped up work for the day and went to the loft. That place almost felt like home, especially because Shepard was finally back. He didn't see her there when he opened the door. _She's probably somewhere else in the ship. _

He walked in and turned the lights on, and that's when he saw it. Shepard's form sprawled on the floor, in the space between her desk and the bathroom, a pool of dark red blood surrounding her head. She had a gun in her right hand.

'Edi! Call Doctor Chakwas here NOW!' – He remembered Edi was no more and pulled up his communicator. – 'Doctor Chakwas, come to Shepard's room NOW. Something happened, there's blood everywhere.'

He walked around the sprawled form on the floor, and his insides were glacial. He was afraid of touching her and making things worse. Her face was turned towards the bathroom, so he opened its door to make room and kneeled down. Her face was ashen. He had seen humans losing blood before, and the amount on the floor made him desperate. He found her left hand and took his gloves off to feel her skin. It was still warm, there was still time. _Spirits, please, let her be okay. _He chanted in his head.

A hand came to his shoulder and brought him to reality. He looked up and saw Dr Chakwas. She had a bag in her hand and was already scanning Shepard with her omni-tool.

'Garrus! Garrus, I need to reach her!' Dr Chakwas raised her voice to jar the turian into action.

'Of course, what do you need?'

The doctor knelt beside Shepard. 'Secure that weapon. Check if it was fired.' The scan was feeding all sorts of information to the doctor.

Garrus did what she said and relayed his findings. 'Yes, but it is empty. No thermal clips.'

Chakwas looked around and saw a blood mark on the corner of the desk. 'Ah, she must have collapsed and hit her head. Here, help me turn her.'

Shepard was completely limp, but when she was finally facing up, he could see her chest rising up and down. _She's alive._

'Ah, yes, that is a nasty cut. One would think it would be interesting to make seamless edges on a top of the line ship. But no… it's all about guns and power, and small things which can make you bleed buckets are left behind.'

Moving her head to the left, the gash on the side of Shepard's head was fully revealed, and it reminded Garrus of the Canyons on Menae. It was deep and long, went from the back base of her skull, behind her ear up to the middle of her forehead.

The doctor isolated the cut and used a line of medigel while pushing the edges together. The cut began to close in front of Garrus' eyes. In minutes, there was only blood, and the offending injury was no more.

'Garrus, help me take her to the med bay. I need to do a head scan to rule out a concussion. Don't be alarmed by the blood, these often bleed a lot. Leave the worry for when it's needed.'

Garrus removed his top armour to give him more mobility and collected the love of his life from the floor. Her hair was matted with blood and his white thermal undershirt was painted crimson. Holding his heart in his arms, they got to the elevator and made their way to the med bay.

Garrus knew Shepard wouldn't have liked to have been paraded like that, but the small route from the elevator to their destination had enough workers to make what happened a viral gossip by this time tomorrow.

Kaidan was in the med bay for his appointment with Doc Chakwas, waiting, when he saw his nightmare incarnate.

'What happened?'

'Here, Garrus, use this gurney. Now please step back, and let me do my work.'

Kaidan and Garrus stood back, watching the doctor assess her patient. They, on the other hand, had no patience at all and seeing Shepard like that gritted them raw.

'What happened, Garrus?' Kaidan asked.

'I believe she collapsed and hit her head on the edge of the desk. There was blood everywhere.' _She had a gun in her hand…_ 'Her day must have been too draining for her, and her recovering body may have just demanded rest. We'll know more when she wakes up.'

Kaidan looked at Garrus and knew he wasn't being completely honest with his report. That worried look in his eyes was still there, enhanced a hundred fold.

Shepard came to in the med bay. Her head was pounding and she felt filthy. Looking to her side, she saw Doc Chakwas and behind her, Garrus and Kaidan. Shepard closed her eyes again. What happened? She was going to take a shower.

'Aw, yes, good. Good.'

'Doctor?' They both asked in unison.

'Shepard, how are you? What happened?'

'I don't know. I think I blacked out.'

'Kaidan, Garrus, please leave. I need to speak to the Commander in private. Kaidan, we'll talk tomorrow at 07:00.' – The duo left.

'Ok, Shepard, cut the bullshit. What is going on?'

Shepard knew the Doc was a direct person, but that felt like the start of an interrogation. – 'I'm fine, Doc. I think I fainted. You probably have more information than I. Did I cut my head?' - Shepard was touching the tender area where she had the cut, her hand came back dusted with dried blood.

'Shepard, you had extensive injuries. Your treatment was on point but you are severely malnourished. This will make your body heal a lot slower, no matter how much medicine you take.'

'I understand, Doc. I just forgot to eat today. I've been taking my meds in time and am taking good care of everything else. How are my implants?'

'They are working perfectly. You'll be free of your cane soon enough.'

'That is good to know, Doc. Can I go now?'

Karin gave Shepard a good long hard look. 'Yes, but you'll come here tomorrow at oh eight hundred. I want to run tests on you. It's late now, and you have blood all over yourself.'

oO0~0Oo

Shepard left the med bay and reached her quarters. When she opened the door, she was welcomed by a humbling sight. Garrus was on his knees, towel in hand and a bucket next to him. He was cleaning her blood from the floor. His hands were stained and his undershirt had the imprint of her form on it. She could see the worry pouring from his features.

'Garrus, here, let me help.' She approached him and bent over.

'No. Tell me, Joan, what would have happened if that weapon had a thermal clip?' His eyes were on her.

'Garrus, it's not like that, I…'

'So you are telling me that you didn't try to kill yourself?'

'No. I don't know.' - _Did I?_ – She looked away.

'Joan, something happened in that final push, and it has marked you, changed you somehow. You try to act nice and OK, but I can see through that. I may be inexperienced with humans but I know you well enough to see you are hiding something.' He was still kneeling on the floor. His stance made him look like he was pleading.

'Joan, please, let ME help. I have always supported you, but now you are not letting me in anymore. Please, what happened?'

A tear escaped Shepard's eye. She could never tell him. 'Garrus, I'm ok.'

Garrus looked down and continued wiping the floor in silence. Shepard went to the bed, picked up her things, and entered the bathroom. Removing her clothing, she was again presented with her form. The mirror told her ugly truths, her ribs were showing and her curves were more angular, her bra was loose. Her skin looked like it had never seen battle in all of its 35 years, but she knew that underneath it, almost a third of her wasn't even human anymore.

Garrus heard the shower start. He finished cleaning up. He really hated the colour red. He never thought about that colour before her. Usually blue, the colour of his own blood, was his most feared colour, but now red was hand in hand with blue. He grabbed the bucket and took it back to the maintenance area himself. He didn't want anyone prying into their room.

When he came back, she was fast asleep under the thermal blanket. This ship has always been too cold for her, especially when she cranked the ventilation after she showered. He took his sleep boxers and hit the shower. Looking at his hands, he noticed red rims on his claws. _I need to file them_… the red needed to be off his hands.

He came out of the shower, his skin sucking up the rest of the moisture left after towelling, he climbed on the bed and embraced his heart. She, as always, instinctively snuggled closer to him. Now that the urgency of her arrival was gone, he felt how fragile her body was. He felt with his hands that most of her softness was replaced by edges and grooves that were never there before. He buried his nose in her hair and held her close, letting sleep take him.

oO0~0Oo


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello, dear Readers. Have a great weekend! :3**

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* * *

**Chapter** 11

Bekenstein, one year ago.

'You know, I really like your company, Garrus. I'm glad I came with you.'

'You're not bad company either, Shepard, and I needed to leave the ship after what happened at the Citadel with Sidonis.' - he turned to her and looked intensely into her eyes – 'Thank you.'

'You are welcome, Garrus. I care too much about you to let you lose what makes you such a great friend.'

'And what is that? My dashing good looks are even more challenged after that rocket.' He touched his face.

Shepard paused for a moment. She really felt comfortable with him. The time they had actually spent together before she "died" wasn't that long, and now it's the same but different at the same time. She remembered the young justice hungry Garrus from his days on C-Sec, and back then she didn't trust him enough to have him watching her back. Now, something had changed, and it felt like she had known him all her life.

'Your strong spirit and sense of justice. You... and Tali are the best ones in there. I trust you with my life.'

Garrus was taken aback with what she said. Did she really care for him that much?

Shepard turned to continue walking on the busy streets of Milgrom's business centre. She had scheduled a small shore leave of 4 days after two months of nonstop, straight up work. The crew needed it; she needed it. Even after being devastated after what happened in Horizon, the months after it were physically and emotionally draining.

'I...' – Garrus didn't know what to say to that. He respected her more than any other person in this world, and hearing this from her was... he didn't know what to say. He was speechless, just feeling valued and accomplished. – 'Thank you, Shepard.' – He took his place by her side. letting these feelings flood all of him.

With him by her side, she linked her arm to his. 'Alright, Vakarian, the city is ours. What would you like to do?'

Garrus looked at her and SAW her for the first time, beyond her species, beyond her armour. He liked her, really liked her. The notion hit him full on the chest, making it warm and elated but washing down his stomach making it flutter and cool down. She was one of a kind, and her kind was not his. He was from a completely different species. He had never even seen a human and a turian together. _I'm foolish to think this could be anything beyond friendship and camaraderie._

'What about mods? I hear there is a store nearby that is specialized in top of the line additions for sniper rifles.' He enjoyed seeing her eyes light up. She loved tinkering with her weapons. Sometimes she would come to his place at the main battery and mess around with his while he calibrated the cannons, and they spent hours in companionable silence. His rifles were always better when she was finished with them.

They spent hours at the shop. Shepard found a scope which allowed faster and more precise aiming and barrel extensions; she always went for damage and accuracy. He picked ammo modifiers and thermal heat sinks.

'So, do you want to go back and try them on?' He wiggled his eyebrows at her, but he saw something had caught her eyes, and he followed her stare to find a window shop of a clothing store.

'Hum? Ah, yes! Of course! Let's go. There is a shooting range where we could put these bad boys to test tomorrow.' Shepard was looking at an amazing yellow dress in the window shop adorned with a turquoise necklace. For a moment, she was lost in thought and felt the need to just get out of the grey, black, and white of the ship. She had always loved colours. _I miss the air on my legs and letting my hair free. I think I'm going out tomorrow, I think I can find a park nearby._

'It is nice, Shepard, you would look beautiful in it.' His sub-harmonics were uncommonly low.

Garrus' voice broke her musings. 'You think so?' _Maybe I'll call some of the crew to come or maybe just enjoy the time by myself..._

'Yes, I do. Why don't you get it?' The image of her in that dress took his mind to places never considered before. _Spirits, what am I going to do?_

'I don't know, maybe later.' Shepard felt vulnerable. Garrus always made her feel like that. Like she didn't have defences around him, no... she didn't need defences with him. She could just be herself, Joan Shepard, who was an amalgam of a soldier, vanguard, free spirit and kind of a decent human being. She smiled at him, again. Her cheeks hurt a little, as if they got unaccustomed to pull her lips to show happiness. _I like his company, I smile more around him. Maybe I'll invite him._

'Aw, Shepard, c'mon, you know you want to.' He had an amused cast on his face. _I want to spend more time with you_.

'You're right. I'll come back later and get it. I don't want to bore you with clothes shopping. I know men aren't too fond of doing that.'

'Shepard, I'm not a human male.' – he caught her hand and started steering her to the store.

'Yeah, sorry, sometimes I forget that.' Shepard noticed he paused, made like he was going to say something but stopped himself.

'I'm sorry if I offended! Sorry, Garrus. It's just that for me, you are not a "turian". You are Garrus, my friend and teammate.' Shepard tried to smooth it and still meant every word.

'None taken.' _Spirits, what am I going to do with this?_

He guided her to the store, and inside, a saleswoman brought her some choices. Shepard tried on a few pieces and picked a couple. After a moment, she heard an "Ahem".

She peeked out of the booth. 'What?'

'Don't I get to see what you are trying on?'

'What? Really? You wanna see it?'

'Of course! I towed you in, didn't I?'

'Oh, ok...'

Shepard came out in a flowing silky dress that looked like water, hugged all her curves, and moved when she did. It was turquoise, and Garrus remembered she often set her armour to that colour. The dress had a light feel, as if it was made of something ethereal. 'You look...' He cleared his throat.

'Yeah... it's nice, isn't it?' She twirled and the dress whooshed around her. It went down until the top third of her thighs when she was still, but then, almost the whole of her legs were presented to him, and it was humbling.

'It fits me well, I'm taking it. I love this colour.'

The saleswoman heard Shepard and came with a set of jewellery in her hands. "Miss, I believe you would like to try this with the other model, the black one.'

'Oh, thank you.' Shepard looked at the dress the saleswoman mentioned, she didn't know if she liked it. It was black and fitted and a bit revealing. She looked at the jewellery set in her hands and placed it aside. _Let's see these other two._

She showed Garrus the other two pieces, and presented him with what was called denim trousers, he really liked those. She picked a few more essentials like shoes, a killer pair of boots and what seemed like sleeping attire, and then they were done.

At the cashier, Garrus saw a black dress on the purchased pile. 'I didn't see you in this one,' he pointed.

'Ah, yeah, I forgot.' - She deflected – 'I tried it before you asked me to show you what I was trying on. It looked good. Maybe one day I'll have a place to wear it.'

They got back, and Shepard went to her quarters. There she organized her purchases, finally a hoodie and a jacket, jeans and t-shirts. She hated the Cerberus logo on her clothing. She also got new panties and bras that actually fitted her and some simple sets of silk tees and shorts for sleeping. Among those everyday items, she set aside two sets of clothing, one yellow dress the same model as the turquoise one which she also got, and the black dress. _This dress_, she picked and stowed it, _will be reserved for a special day_.

The next day, Shepard decided to dress light and find a park, some piece of preserved nature for her to relax. Getting ready, she let her hair dry free, curling up and shaping her face. She dressed in the yellow piece and a pair of comfortable sandals. She grabbed a delicate messenger bag big enough to fit her M-6 Carnifex, a thin towel, a bottle of water and some cookies. With everything set, she left her quarters ready to enjoy the sun and hear the wind in the leaves.

Shepard walked through the CIC and reached the airlock near the helm where Garrus and Joker were chatting. Garrus was in the middle of a sentence when he was struck dumb and stared for a few seconds. In a flash of luck, Joker deviated Shepard's attention.

'Wow, Commander. You look... ahm, not scary! That's a good look on you; just don't let the Collectors know about it. Ok?'

'Aww Joker, then how could I not use this to get them off guard?'

'I think you might just make the Collectors fall head over heels in love with you.' Garrus felt his mouth speaking but couldn't help himself. In the middle of the sentence, he was already telling himself to shut up.

'Ahahaha, you are funny big guy, but I don't think my charms would be that efficient.'

'Yeah, you're right.' – _Change the subject!_ – 'But where are you going? You look excited.' _Excited? Really? Couldn't I have just said happy or enthusiastic?_

Apparently his anxiety was for nothing, because Shepard answered him as she would any other question. 'Yeah, I found a preservation park nearby with a small lake and waterfall. I'm going there to relax a little. Edi, did I give you my nav point?'

'Yes, Sheppard, you have. The crime rate in the area is the lowest in the region, and today is a workday in the city so your chances of privacy will be optimized.'

'Thank you, Edi. Do you want to come, Joker? Garrus?' Shepard looked intently at Garrus. She really wanted him to come. 'I have only one rule, no uniforms. Of any kind. Will you?'

'Nah, Edi and I were going to watch a vid later this morning. You two can go and have fun.' Jeff turned on his chair and began typing away.

'Come with me, Garrus?'

'Alright, I'll go. Go ahead, and I'll meet you there.'

'Alright, see you there.' She flashed a smile at him.

Garrus went to his quarters and was at a loss, he didn't have anything which wasn't an uniform or formal attire. After rummaging in the tight space he kept his things, he managed to find a simple set of white tunic and grey trousers and a pair of rugged shoes.

At the park, Shepard walked for about 10 minutes on the trail. She felt like she was coming home when the sound of water reached her. Arriving there, she immediately turned 15 again. There was a small waterfall, maybe 3 metres tall that first had a shallow base and then flowed to a small round and shallow pool that sent its waters forward in a small stream. The margins were pebbled and grass. The whole place was surrounded by willows and flowered trees. Satisfied that she had found the best place to relax, Shepard placed her bag down and set the thin towel on the grass and lay there, her bag as a pillow and legs bent, basking in the sun.

Shepard was beginning to doze off when she heard the telling sound of Garrus' paces. 'Hi big guy, you came!' She bent her head back and looked at him.

'Yeah, I had to. You out here, all by your lonesome, bullets are bound to fly anytime soon.'

'Well, you know me.' She tapped her bag and showed him her Carnifex.

'Hahaha, of course. So, what is the objective of this mission?'

'First, shoes and gloves off.'

'Ahm, alright.' Garrus saw she had no shoes and her toes were buried in the grass. He decided not to tell her about his gloves and the why of it. He felt comfortable enough to be without them around her .

'Alright, now come down here, sit and just feel the sun on your skin.' Shepard caught Garrus' hand and was amazed at how soft it was. She had heard that turians had tough skin but, touching his skin, she felt that it was thick, but still soft. The top part was more velvety than the palms. She held it naturally, the feel of it just as comfortable as his company.

Garrus was slightly surprised that she touched him so naturally. Lowering his body to sit by her side, he enjoyed the feel of her skin. It was the first time he had touched human skin in his life. Turian hands and feet were extremely sensitive, and it was custom to wear gloves in social situations. They would take them off only in the most private moments.

'Alright, now, do this.' She burrowed her toes on the grass.

'Haha, feels funny. Let's just say that we don't walk barefoot much. Or ever.'

'Ah, you don't know what you are missing. The tickle of the grass leaves under your feet smooth, cool and a bit crunchy. I spent all my life in ships. My parents were Alliance, and I basically grew up in the military. The only time I had to enjoy nature was when I went to my grandparents' for summer break. They had a house near a lake, and I would swim and spend entire afternoons there, just laying under the sun and enjoying the view.' Her eyes were alight with good memories.

'I basically had the same structure, but we lived in the city. Not much place to run around. I started military training when I turned seven, went to service at 15, and left when I was 30. After that, you know my story. There isn't a place like this on the Citadel or Omega. My father was very strict, and my mother, well, she "allowed" me to have some time for myself every now and then.'

'So, she pretended she didn't know you were off playing with other kids.'

'Yeah, something like that.'

After some time lying on the grass, the sun started to weigh on them. 'Ok, it's too hot. I'm taking a swim. Wanna come?' Shepard started to take off her dress, and in the process, revealed a cerulean blue two piece bathing suit. 'Don't be alarmed. It's called a bikini.' She smiled.

'Shepard, you obviously haven't seen turians swim. It's a lot of flailing and splashing interrupted by occasional bouts of drowning.'

'Aw c'mon. It can't be that bad. Is there anything that keeps you from swimming or is it simply that you don't feel comfortable in the water?'

'Ah... I'd rather just stay here and keep watch.' He reached for her bag to get her weapon closer to him.

'Ok, it's your loss.'

Garrus watched Shepard. She was different, not turian obviously, but also not assari. Everyone in the galaxy loved the assari, but the blue of their skin, to him, was off-putting. Garrus never felt compelled to pursue them or anything other than turian women. But Shepard's skin was beautiful, coloured in a very pale, peachy, flushed shell colour like the fine plates on some turian females. Her form was proportionate but not as angled as his kind's, and he wondered if she would be as firm as turian females. Or if the rest of her was as soft as her hands. He was fascinated with her hands and feet. So many fingers and toes, much more agile than his own. And her hair, even among humans he didn't see hair like hers that often. It was a mass of curls, wild and unruly. He was fascinated.

Shepard entered the small pool of cool water, and when she reached the middle point where the depth reached only under her breasts, she lay back and let herself float. Hair wet, arms spread out. She only had the company of her heart beat and respiration. Looking up, she saw the azure blue sky framed by the canopy of the trees. He mind drifted, and she imagined what it would be like to have Garrus as a woman has a man. She wondered how he would feel under her hands, if he would like what she could give him, if he would be interested.

The thoughts that now crowded her mind worried her. _He's my teammate, my friend, and not human. It's not that I don't believe in cross-species relationships, but I will respect whatever view he has about it._ The sudden realization that if he didn't reciprocate her feelings, she would be very sad washed away the peace she was feeling. Getting up, she decided to let the water beat out some of her tension and walked up to the waterfall.

'Shepard, are you sure this is safe?' Garrus was somewhat apprehensive. He saw how easily she handled herself in water but even so.

'If you are so concerned about me, why don't you come here and make sure I'm safe?'

'I don't think that would be wise.'

'So, you are telling me that you have my back at any cost, but you draw a line at water?' She had a mocking tone in her voice, defying him to face his fear.

'Alright, I have always been at your back, and I won't fail you now.' Garrus started towards the rocks, avoiding the pool.

'Here, come through here.' She pointed out a steadier path.

Garrus gingerly found his footing, his two toed feet adapting surprisingly well to the rocky surface. The wet feel of the stones on the soles of his feet was an interesting new sensation. Finally arriving at the shallow base of the waterfall, with water up to his knees, he decided it wasn't that bad and quite safe.

'Garrus, this is not going to work.' Shepard pointed at him.

'What?'

She reached at him and started unfastening his tunic. 'Shepard, what are you doing?' He was intrigued.

'Trust me, big guy'. - She opened up his tunic and freed Garrus from it. She tried to be as matter of fact as possible and not to linger. Her goal wasn't to seduce or anything like that.

Garrus was again surprised with how naturally she handled him. She must really not care that he is not human. A small bubble of joy began to rise in his chest. He turned to look at her as she rolled up his tunic and then threw it near her bag.

'Don't worry, it'll dry. Now, let the water fall on your back... let your muscles go, relax and listen to the thunder of the water on your ears.'

Garrus noticed how intense she was about it and decided to give it a try and have this experience through her guidance. He closed his eyes, and at first he was a bit lost, but then he began to perceive the water flowing through the sinews of his body. Pooling on his humerotoraxis formation and cascading down his stomach. The flow of water was lulling, and he felt as if it was washing all his worries away.

Shepard watched the creature in front of her. He had a powerful and agile looking body, and it looked nothing like what she learnt in class. He didn't have claws on his hands or toes, it actually looked like he kept them well groomed. His trousers were fitted but now clung to his legs, and she could see the outline of powerful muscles. He was a magnificent predator. She watched him as he relaxed in front of her. His facial features unfurled, his mandibles nested loosely on his jaw. He was a beautiful being, inside and outside.

Garrus opened his eyes and suspected he had caught Shepard watching him. 'What, now you are going to tell me that after seeing me drenched as a sewer varren, my charms washed away?' His mandibles flared in a smile.

'Garrus, you will always have a place in my heart, no matter how you look.' She walked towards the rocks that separated the base of the waterfall and the pool and laid back, floating.

'Ok, now, how do you do that?'

'What? Float? Come here, and I'll teach you.' – at his incredulous look, she added – 'Look, I'm standing up, and the water only comes up to here. I assure you, no bouts of drowning. I promise.'

He bravely approached her. 'Ok, how do I do this?'

'Alright, first I'm going to show you how I do it.' She lay back and began floating.

'Here,' - she spoke on a shallow breath – 'place one hand here, just below my ribcage and directly underneath it on my back. Can you feel how my intake and outtake of air affects how much my torso stays above the water?' – She breathed in and out. Her whole body extremely aware of the warmth of his hands on her.

'Yes.' - Garrus voice was laden with a curious and interested subharmonic. – 'You are telling me that your buoyancy is directly related to how much air you have in your lungs.' Her skin underneath his hand was cool and soft, even softer than her hands. His mind was starting to elaborate scenes, and he closed that door immediately. This was not the time.

'Exactly, with that controlled, it's a matter of balancing your weight on it and keeping your legs and arms level with your torso.' The feel of his hands on her was comfortable and welcomed. _I will respect him. I'm not going to put him in an awkward position._

'Ok, now it's your turn, lower a bit and lean back, and I'm going to hold you.' – her eyes were level with his – 'Trust me.'

'With my life, Shepard.' _And may the Spirits help me, with my heart._

Shepard held him and noticed that his body mass was denser than a human's. He was also a lot heavier than he looked. With care, she stood by his side and held his torso, cradling him, guiding him to relax and feel his breathing. After a few tries, he managed to keep buoyant. Her hands dropped a few centimetres, but she kept them under him in case he lost control.

'See, there is nothing to be afraid of, big guy.'

Garrus felt his weight being supported by the water. The feel of it was freeing. His whole life, he was told not to go near pooled water, and here he was, not drowning with the help of the person he trusted the most. He looked up, and she was all he could see. She was leaning towards him and paying close attention to his efforts.

Standing up, he was close enough to her that he could feel the heat coming off of her body. He raised a hand and caressed her jaw and cradled her cheek.

'Thank you, Shepard.' He leaned his forehead against hers.

Shepard was surprised by his hand on her face and welcomed it, placing her hand on top of his. When he leaned his forehead against hers, she felt a deep connection with him. _I don't know what this act means, but I think it means more to a turian than to a human. _Shepard's heart swelled.

They held like this for a moment longer. Then, Sheppard shivered, and Garrus could see her skin had pebbled up all over. 'Is everything ok?' – Absent minded, he ran his other hand down her upper arm, feeling her goosebumps. – 'What happened to your skin?'

Shepard shivered. 'Depends, in this case, it means I'm cold.' – She looked at his hand, which was still on her arm, and then up at him. – 'What does your body do when its temperature drops?'

His eyes and hand were still there, languidly going up and down. 'Turian bodies are pretty adaptive, our metabolism cranks up, and our core temperature goes up'

His voice was soft, and he looked like he was entranced by the contact. Shepard felt comfortable with it.

Her lips started to get a faint blue cast. 'Let's dry up?'

He dropped his hand. 'Your lips are blue! I'm guessing this is not good. Yes, Of course. Let's get you out of this water.'

They went back to the towel and lay side by side until they were dry and the sun had travelled a good portion of the sky. They dressed and walked back to the entrance of the park to hail a cab, riding back to the Normandy in silence. There wasn't anything to talk about. Their bodies communicated enough, and although they weren't fully aware of how much was "said", their proximity while sitting on the back seat spoke volumes.

oO0~0Oo


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello, dear Readers. ****Feedback is always appreciated :)**

***hugs***

**Have fun!**

* * *

**Chapter** 12

The alarm clock beeped 07:00. Shepard lay in bed, her mind never stopping. _What happened last night?_ She was at a loss. She remembered the lights fading, but that was it. When Garrus asked if she tried to kill herself, she hadn't known how to answer. That would be a good idea, but she could never do it. She always hoped things would change, that there would always be a solution; she would always find a way. Looking to her side, she noticed the empty bed. _He's already up._

Shepard got into her clothing, grabbed the envelope and made her way to the med bay. At the mess, she noticed the place was deserted. Looking towards the main battery, she saw that Garrus wasn't there. Through the window, she could see inside the med bay, and Kaidan was being scanned by the Doc. The ship's communal room felt small, sad and bleak. A sense of loss started to creep up from Shepard's guts, and she pulled a chair to sit down. Bracing her arms on the table, she laid her head on them, trying to catch her breath. _I'm a selfish coward, I must pay for what I've done._

'Shepard?'

Kaidan's hand on her shoulder was as feather light as his raspy voice.

'Yes?'

'Is everything alright?'

'Yes. Nothing to worry about. What's the time?'

'Seven fifty two.'

Shepard speared her cane on the floor, raised her body, and limply walked to the med bay. 'I'm alright Kaidan, I just need to get home.'

'I don't believe you. You don't look alright.'

'Of course I don't. I'm recovering from battle, and yesterday I collapsed and almost cracked my head open.' She gave him a small smile.

'Want to come and grab breakfast again today?'

'No, thank you.'

'I can bring you some if you like.'

'Thanks, Kaidan. But I'll manage.' She walked away.

Shepard spent the whole day with the doctor. She had a round of IV nourishment, and was scanned and prodded with every gadget present in the small space.

'Hmm. Everything seems physically in order. How have you been handling the past events?'

'What? You mean emotionally?' Shepard took a pause. 'I've been better, I just need to go home, Doc. I'm tired, and I need to feel the earth under my feet for a while.' _This is me now, the lying, deflecting queen._

'About last night, tell me what happened.'

'I stowed my gear, a pistol didn't fit in the footlockers. I left it on my desk while I sorted out other matters. Then I got up, I think I was going to bring the weapon to the armoury. I think I may have stood up too fast. All I know is that all went black, and I woke up here, with you.'

'I see, Garrus did tell me the weapon didn't have any heat sinks. Well, the IV will help your body bounce back. You need to gain 7 kilos, and you need a diet of 3k+ for the duration of your leave.'

'Don't worry, Doc, I have a stock back home.'

'Alright, you are free to leave. Take good care of yourself, Shepard, the galaxy can take care of itself now.'

'Haha, ok, Doc.'

Shepard left the med bay and decided to find Garrus. _Maybe he's at Liara's quarters._ Coming near the door, she could hear small hum noises coming from inside. One regular and another doubled. _Well, that was quick._

'Garrus, I understand, but you can't just simply press her against a wall! Please, consider my suggestion.' Liara pleaded.

'Liara, I don't know what to do. I feel like she's closing up and slipping away, and I don't know how to help.' The despair in Garrus' eyes was heartbreaking.

Garrus and Liara were deep inside her office and didn't hear the soft hiss of the door opening up. Their voices were too muffled to actually be understood.

'Do you guys need anything?'

'Shepard! How are you?' Said Liara and Garrus 'We didn't hear you coming in.' At the same time.

'Hey, Liara. I was looking for you, Garrus. Can we talk?'

'Of course. Do you want to go some place private?'

'No, here's good. Liara probably already knows all about it.' She smiled at her Shadow Broker friend.

'Okay. What is it?' Garrus was curious.

'Well, you know I have two places, my apartment near the Alliance area and a small house in the country.'

'Yes. And if it's still intact, Anderson's old apartment.' Garrus added.

'Yes, that one too... but anyway, after we finished the Collectors, I arranged with Kassumi to run a couple of errands for me. I knew I would be locked up for a while and didn't want to lose time. She was low profile enough, and I knew war was just a matter of time.'

'Oh, she's good. I knew she was moving supplies, but I was never able to pinpoint the depot where she stored it.' Said Liara.

'Yeah, my two places. They are packed with essentials and rations for about 1 to 2 years. Levo and Dextro.'

'Shepard, what are you saying?' Garrus asked.

'I know your father and sister are refugees, and here...' From a small envelope, Shepard handed Garrus four coded keys. 'One is for your father, one for you sister, and the other two are for you. One for the cottage and the other for the apartment. Here, Liara, this one is for the cottage if you ever need a place to stay. I'll be staying there during my leave.'

Garrus looked at the keys and couldn't believe what she was doing. 'Shepard, I wish I could say I can't take this but... Thank you.' Garrus felt humbled by his love's actions. Even with all that had been going on, she still thought of him and his family.

'Thank you, Shepard.' Said Liara.

'Well, this was it. I didn't say anything before, because I needed to confirm everything was in place. That both places were still standing and viable. But, yeah...'

Garrus walked to her and hugged her, kissing the top of her head. 'Thank you.'

'I think I better go and... Yes, I believe I'm needed somewhere else. Talk to you later, Shepard'. Liara left.

'Joan, please, what is going on?'

'Nothing, Garrus, I'm just tired. Of everything. I need to go home and stay away from all the death.'

'And what will happen after your leave is up?'

'I'll cross that bridge when the time comes.'

'I don't know, Joan, there is more to this than you want to talk about.'

Shepard stepped back from his touch. 'Garrus, please, I have nothing else to tell you. I told you everything that I had to say. I blacked out yesterday. I would never try to kill myself. I just don't know how!' Shepard felt cornered. Garrus seemed to be closing in with his questions, and she could see in his eyes that he was plotting ways to get out of her whatever he thought she was hiding. _Garrus, please do not push me... I don't want to do this..._

'Joan, I care about you, and seeing you like this is eating me up. I have to leave tomorrow...' - Shepard looked surprised. – 'Yeah I was going to tell you yesterday, and it'll be a while before I'll see you again. In the meantime, I need to know you'll be alright.'

'Maybe we should remedy that.' Shepard was shattering inside.

'What do you mean? You come with me? But you need to get better...' - His face closed, and he took a sombre stance. – 'You don't mean that, do you?'

'No I don't...' She turned to the side, unable to look at him. If he saw how much she hurt in doing this, he would never let her go.

'Why?' Garrus felt his insides turn into cold heavy hard stone.

'I need space. I need to be alone...'

'No, you don't want to be alone. You just don't want people taking care of you, being there for you. What have I done to get this from you?'

Images of him under the waterfall, floating over her hands, quietly calibrating the Normandy's, sitting with her while she read at the ship's lounge flooded her mind, their first time... Her heart broke at that moment, and she knew she deserved that. It was her punishment for what she did.

'I don't know what to say Garrus...' – she gathered her strength and continued – 'But, our romantic relationship ends here, now.'

'I don't believe you...' – He approached her, raising his hand to touch her arm... any part of her. He needed to be close to her, but she was slipping away. – 'Joan, I love you... with all that I am, I love you.' – No, she was already gone, closed in on herself.

Shepard turned to the other side, careful to not show him her face, and walked towards the door without looking back, 'Please, use the apartment. I won't be there, and I have no other intent for it but to help you and your family... Use it for as long as you need it. Please.' She left, eyes red, tears pooling dangerously in her eyes but yet to fall, her tears never fall. She made it into the elevator without being seen.

Garrus stood in Liara's quarters. He felt he was robbed of breath and life. She was gone. He lost her. He looked into his hands and saw the keycards. His family would be safe, but no happiness came out of it. His heart was gone, it had walked away through that door. _This can't be it._ He walked after her and took the elevator to her quarters.

oO0~0Oo

Shepard had just sat down in the crook of the couch. The room was almost completely dark, including the fish tank. The only shred of light came from the skylight. She could only see shapes: her bed, the coffee table. She heard the door hiss open. Desperation bubbled up inside her.

'We can't be over like this, Joan. I know you love me. You are not fooling me.'

Shepard heard Garrus' soft paces entering the room. He wasn't wearing any armour, and he moved almost silently without it. She knew that he could probably see her. His eyesight was far better than hers.

'Garrus...'

She felt the couch dip on her left side, he was sliding over to her. She was sitting with both feet on the coffee table. He approached slowly, as if not to scare her, and slid his arm around her head, up over the couch's back. His legs slid under hers, and he cocooned her with his form.

Garrus' subharmonics were the softest she had ever heard. It resonated inside her, giving back a little of warmth to her heart. 'Joan. Please, I'm here. I will never leave you, I will never judge you, I accept all of you. Good and bad. We are not over, have your time, but I will come back, and we will overcome this.' He had his mouth near her neck, his breath gently caressing her skin.

She shivered. She didn't know what to do. She leaned on his chest, and Garrus suspected she was crying. He had never seen her cry. In the dark, no one will ever see her tears, safe.

Garrus had never witnessed sorrow like this. She was consumed with such grief, he didn't understand. He stayed there, maybe for hours,he suspected she fell asleep right there. Testing her awareness, he gathered her up in his arms and took her to bed, taking off her shoes and covering her. He set himself to get the last of his things ready for his departure tomorrow.

Once he was finished, the day cycle was almost over and, again, he cocooned her with his body and she, as always, unconsciously snuggled up to him. He embraced her and held on to her as if she would disappear into the darkness.

oO0~0Oo

The next day, Garrus woke up early, and relief flooded him when he saw she was still in bed. Giving her one last hug, he got up and got ready. Before leaving, he left her a note on her datapad. _'I will come back, you are not alone in this. I love you.'_ And he left.

Shepard woke up somewhere in the middle of the morning cycle, extremely late for her standards. Looking at the empty space on Garrus' side of the bed, she felt a masochistic sense of justice_. I don't deserve any of this. _Finding his note, her gut closed in on her. She got up, and when she was walking to her shower, Liara came in.

'Shepard. Good morning.'

'Came to check in on me?'

'Yes. And also see if you wanted to do anything today. My schedule is free.'

Shepard limped her way into the bathroom. 'Sounds like a good idea. Give me 10 minutes, and I'll be ready.' – She pointed at the couch.

Liara sat on the couch while she waited for her friend. The room felt like it was losing its soul. Shepard's footlockers were stacked in front of the fish tank near her desk, there were no books or portraits in the shelves. Marko, her hamster, was safely packed in a vented box on top of the footlockers.

The fact that something happened to Shepard was obvious. Liara didn't know how to help, what to do with the situation, especially because her friend will be leaving to Earth tomorrow. There was no time, and Liara was still so swamped with responsibilities that she couldn't get away. She had been discussing a way to help with Garrus yesterday, but he still didn't accept that maybe they needed help. She could only help if she chose wisely.

The bathroom door opened, and Shepard came out, hair still wet in a yellow t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Firmly relying on her cane, she approached Liara.

'Alright. Where to?'

'We are going to have breakfast, then visit a park in another dome on the peak side of this moon.'

'Then let's do it!'

They left the Normandy and went to the same pub at the commercial dome, chatting nonsense and keeping the mood light. Shepard was thankful her friend didn't try to get anything out of her.

Finishing up with what may have been considered brunch, they went to the park dome. There, the artificial environment merged nature and steel. A large area, so big you couldn't see its edges from the middle, was filled with trees and flowers in full bloom. The beauty of the place muted the background worry in Liara's and Shepard's minds.

'This is a beautiful place, Liara, this was a good idea.'

'Thank you, Shepard.'

They walked in silence for a while before Liara broke their quiet.

'I saw Garrus leave this morning.'

'Yes, he had a few assignments.'

'Are you two alright?'

'Yes… No, we... no, I broke up our romantic relationship.'

'I see. What happened?'

'I need to be by myself for a while, and I can't hold him back while I figure out stuff by myself.'

'You don't really know how to be taken care of, do you?'

'What? That's not what I meant. I just... I need to... That is not the point.'

'Of course it's not. You take care of a crew, you save people on a daily basis. Goddess, you saved the galaxy. So why won't you be able to save yourself, right?'

'You can be annoyingly perceptive at times, do you know that?'

'I do my best.' - Liara gave her a short smile. – 'Shepard, I know you are going through something...' - She raised her hands – 'And I don't want to push. Just know, I'm here, and you are not alone.'

'Hm... Garrus said the same thing.' _It's better to have you from a distance than nothing at all._

'He has his moments of wisdom when he's not calibrating or shooting things. Do you love him?'

'Yes.'

'Do you still love Kaidan?'

'No… a little… Yes… I don't know? Liara! Where did that come from?'

'If I tell you my goal, you will defeat me, Shepard. I know you well enough to be prepared when dealing with you.'

'I'm not that difficult!'

'Yes, you are stubborn, and I did notice you avoided answering the question.'

'I didn't. I needed to take care of one subject, and then, I would tackle the other.'

'Uhum... of course.'

'I care for him. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop that. But I don't trust him. I did, once. As much as he says he loves me, he doesn't trust me enough to have faith in me.'

'Seems like a retro-feeding system.'

'I know. But there's nothing I can or want to do about it. He doesn't have a place in my life either.'

'And so, you are going to push everybody away? Even me?'

Shepard looked at Liara. Her blue eyes were guarded, and a little hurt. 'I'm not going to push you away,Liara, but you will leave soon. You will always have a place with me. But I know our lives will drift apart.'

'This is ridiculous, Shepard, everyone drifts apart if they don't make a conscious effort to stay together. What are you saying? Are you giving up?'

'I don't know.' _Yes, I guess I am. It's no less than what I deserve._

They were quiet for the rest of their walk. Liara walked by Shepard's side as much as she could, as if she could bridge their emotional distance with physical proximity. Going back home at the end of the day, Shepard's last day at the Normandy, the conflicting feel of desperation and rightfulness of what she was doing flooded her. After all, it was no less than what she deserved.

oO0~0Oo


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello, dear Readers. I'm sorry for the delay. I've been studying for an important test and had little time for anything else. I have decided to pause this project for now and come back on October 25th. Don't worry, this story will be finished. :)**

**And remember, feedback is always appreciated :)**

***hugs***

**Have fun!**

* * *

**Chapter** 13

Normandy, three years ago.

"Mmmmm." Shepard felt his finger making patterns up and down her back, a light touch over the thin sheet that covered her.

He stopped, and Shepard gave a yearning sigh. 'Don't stop'.

His hand came back, brushing from the back of her knee, slowly caressing its way up her inner thigh, through the valley of her buttocks, circling each cheek at its most sensible peak, and then diving upward the path of her spine.

'Kaidan...' Shepard's voice was a moan.

'Do you like that?' His raspy bedroom voice was deep and curious.

'Yessss...' Her voice was breathless.

He went back down now. Zigzagging from shoulder blade to shoulder blade, down her waist, on her spine at that small point that always made her breath hitch, spanning his hand over one cheek and then the other one, lightly caressing, leaving her wanting just a bit more pressure.

Shepard arched her back, raising her hips up to meet Kaidan's sensuous caress. He lifted his hand, denying her the contact, and slid down between her cheeks again. Her hips still up, his fingers brushed the very bottom of her covered lips. He sat down on the bed and with both his hands, grabbed the top of each thigh, his thumbs making a valley on the sheet, pushing it deeper, revealing the outline of her sex.

The room was dimly lit. Only the side desk lamp was on, but its light was too low to make anything too visible, just enough for Kaidan to see a small dark patch on the sheet where it touched her sex.

Shepard had her eyes closed. She was offering her body to him to do as he pleased, she was surrendering it to him, and he couldn't be handling this responsibility any better.

He peeled the sheet from her, the back of his fingers caressing her now bare skin. Once exposed to him, he straddled her calves and admired her form. Her ass was lifted from the bed, her hands were anchoring her chest and head on the mattress, her head was to the side, he could see that her eyes were closed.

He hooked his index fingers on each side of her panties and slid them off her hips, taking pleasure to see them yielding to his desire to see her bare. Lying on his side next to her, he watched her features. Her closed eyes didn't take away from the expression of anticipation on her face.

His hand glided down, finding her core, and he languidly caressed her, brushing the top of her butt and down the valley between her thighs. Never too much, never too obvious.

'Kaidan, what are your intentions?'

He stopped, and her unamused groan made him chuckle. 'What?' he asked with an innocent voice.

'Turn around for me? Please?' His eyes were burning for her.

Shepard turned around, finally presenting her lips in full view. Kaidan leaned into her and sealed his lips on hers. His kiss was soft and adoring. He kissed her as if out of sheer pleasure, time would stop for him, and all that existed were his lips brushing hers, his tongue penetrating her and fanning her fire.

Shepard didn't waste time and ran her hands all over him, feeling every part of his body, revelling in his powerful muscles, his soft warm skin. His skin had the faint scent of fresh wood and musk from his soap. She wanted to devour all of him. His kiss continued, his chest now rubbing hers as his hand found its haven between her legs. Kaidan's fingers were caressing, pressing, rubbing, teasing.

Shepard broke the kiss and took one large breath. 'Kaidan, are you trying to drive me mad?'

'No, Joan, I'm trying to make this unforgettable.' His nose was touching hers, his eyes had hers locked in, and at that moment their connection was absolute and all consuming.

'By turning me... aaahhhh'

He penetrated her with his fingers. One, then two, his lips were on hers again, and his possession was like wild fire. He worked her, in and out, rubbing that special spot inside her, enhancing the feeling with the heel of his palm rubbing her clit. He didn't stop, and Shepard surrendered to him, legs open, holding on to his back, and face on his neck as if she would fly out of the bed if he didn't ground her to it.

Kaidan couldn't see, but felt in his whole body his loved one being taken by desire. He felt proud that he was the one giving her that, he was humbled to be allowed to do so, and he was grateful that she chose him. He felt her breathing get more and more shallow. She bit him softly on his shoulder, she always did that. Small places in her body started to lock, and it came. She crested and broke into wave after wave of pure pleasure. His fingers felt first-hand her sex contract around them.

He stopped caressing her. She let him go and slowly came back to her previous position in bed. His hand was still there, slowly retreating, letting her down little by little. Hand finally out, he climbed on top of her, bracing the brunt of his weight on his arms but fitting his body fully on top of hers, his lips on hers, his underwear encased cock flushed with her sex, its tip was probing her entrance and soaking with her.

'What brought this on?'Shepard had a satisfied tone in her voice, her hands were caressing his soft glossy hair.

'I was watching you sleep...' He started kissing her neck, making full use of his stubble.

'I love when you do this...' She squirmed under him, accommodating his form on top of hers.

'What? This?' – He continued kissing her. – 'Or this?' He pushed his hips intently on her bottom and his arousal almost entered her, underwear be damned. The rumble of his low sexy laugh reverberated through her whole body.

'You are playing with fire, Kaidan.' Shepard took action and reached down and started tugging his underwear, eager to get his cock free. That provoked even more chuckles from him. She knew she needed to do more, so she bucked him off of her and he fell by her side.

Kaidan was laughing with his whole heart now. Shepard sat up sideways towards him with a smile on her face. She looked at the man in front of her, and she couldn't not appreciate how much she loved all of him.

'Do I amuse you, Lieutenant?' – She raised an eyebrow.

'You make me happy, Commander.' – He hooked his thumb in her underwear at her knees and looked at her, face full of mirth.

Shepard looked pointedly at his hand on her underwear. 'And what are you going to do about this?'

'Well, we have 36 hours until we reach our next destination, and as far as I know, we don't have much to do until we get there...' – he tugged her underwear away. – 'But we can get pretty busy in the mean time.' – He deposited the fine fabric on the bedside table.

Shepard took time appreciating the man displayed in front of her. He was beautiful with honey eyes and sinful lips. His skin was delicious, soft and warm, as if the warmth of a day out in the sun never left him. She loved biting him. His hand was making its way up her leg, drawing lazy circles on her skin.

'Alenko, you are too much of a tease, do you know that?'

'Me? I have no idea what are you talking about.' He squeezed the top of her thigh.

Shepard lowered her mouth to his nipple, slowly licking and biting. His hand responded with more and more pressure up her thigh, his fingers brushing her navel. She trailed a path of kisses down his abdomen, biting him, sometimes softly and sometimes hard, causing him to yelp and take action with her body. His hand was now caressing her sex again, coaxing her legs to open for him to give him better access to her core.

While he languidly caressed her heat, she reached his covered manhood. She gave him a wicked smile, sealed her lips on top of his cock and blew hot air on him. His rewarding moan was so satisfying. She firmly but lightly bit him, lengthwise, letting her hot breath soak through the fabric.

She lowered the front of his underwear and took hold of his manhood. It was thick and velvety smooth, the perfect length. She rubbed her lips to his tip and french kissed him. The wave of pleasure that hit him was so intense, he stopped petting her and his body arched up, making a few centimetres of his cock penetrate her lips. She held it there, sucking, tongue swirling around it inside her mouth. Looking at him, his eyes were glazed with pleasure. Now it was her turn to chuckle.

That ignited him, and he pushed back and pounced over her. Her squeal was so funny. Laughing, they were now upside down on the bed and he made his way between her legs. Shepard made quick work of his underwear and pushed it down with her toes. The joy in their laughs added to the moment. He caressed her with his whole body, face on her neck, kissing and coaxing chuckles and sighs from her, his chest on hers, and his sex gliding between her lips, soaking in her wetness.

He raised his head, serious now, and looked at her. - 'I love you, Joan.' – This was the first time he ever told her that. He didn't wait for an answer; he simply kissed her, deeply. Her hands were on his back, caressing him. Her legs were tangled with his. Slowly, he pushed himself inside her. In and out, he made his way inside her, and it simply felt right.

Shepard was overwhelmed with his tenderness as he entered her. Her heart flooded with love for him, and to hear those words from him made her feel complete. In a crescendo of movements, their passion ignited. He was pumping inside her, driving her into a new orgasm while his was almost getting there. Looking up at him, she felt she was home, right and complete. Her orgasm hit her fully, contracting her whole body and locking him inside her. Kaidan toppled over with her and poured inside her.

Breathing heavily, Shepard placed her hands on each side of his face. 'I love you, Kaidan.' He slid out and rolled off of her. Breathless, he looked at the ceiling.

'You know, you are really something, Joan.'

'Really?' She turned on her side towards him.

'Yeah, on the outside you are Commander Shepard, SPECTRE. But here, you are Joan, and I can really see how much you care. You don't do things because it is your duty, you do it because you care, and you are fighting with all you've got to get things done. You love all life in the galaxy, don't you?'

'I'm not too fond of batarians...'

He turned to her. 'You know what I mean, Joan. You feel and you give and manoeuvre and you punish, and I'm just lucky enough to have these moments with you alone, where I can witnesshow much you feel.'

'Kaidan, I'm not going to do this with the rest of the trillion people in the galaxy.'

'Haha, I know. I guess you love me just a little bit more, and this makes me the luckiest man alive.'

'Kaidan... Don't do that.'

'What?'

'There is nothing special about me. I'm just a soldier.' Shepard had a guarded cast on her face.

'I know, and a damn good one.'

oO0~0Oo


	14. Chapter 14

**Hello dear readers. I'm back. I passed my test and I've been walking on clouds ever since *smile*. Now we continue our adventure. I think there will be 10 more chapters, released as always, wednesdays and saturdays. **

**Have fun! And remember, feedback is always apreciated.**

* * *

Chapter 14

Shepard woke up as if emerging from a pool full of jell-o. Her dream was thick, its claws held her hostage to the onslaught of memories and feelings it had shown her. It was so vivid, she could still feel Kaidan inside her. That was the last time they were together, before she died.

Shepard placed a hand on her forehead. Sometimes she thought she could almost feel the metal casing that replaced part of her skull. _I'm not anything anymore, I'm a monster._

She looked at the clock and noticed she had 5 hours until it was time to leave. All but her smallest footlocker had already been sent to the shuttle's cargo area. Apparently Hackett managed to get a shuttle for her and two other high priority personnel. _I'm almost home._

Sheppard got up, her pain had somewhat improved, but she still needed her cane today. _Maybe tomorrow._ With nothing else to do, she got ready, packing the last things she was wearing yesterday and her sleeping clothing. She grabbed the handle of her case and rolled it out of the Normandy and into the shuttle's docking bay.

'Commander.' He saluted her.

'At ease, pilot. Could you please help me stow my last case?'

The pilot was surprised by her genteelness. He could count the number of people who asked him please on one hand since this whole chaos started. 'Sure, here, let me.'

'So you are taking me and a group of people to Vancouver?'

'Yeah, Hackett specified that I should take you and the other ones to any destination you requested. I'm taking you to Abbotsford and the other two to places in Vancouver.'

'Oh, thank you. I was worrying about going from the headquarters to my apartment.'

'Yeah, that's why. Public transport is working but barely. There's too much to fix for now.'

'Is the city really bouncing back?'

'Yeah, although downtown is pretty much leveled. The surrounding neighbourhoods are pretty much still in place.'

They chatted away for the next hours until a Colonel showed up a bit before they were scheduled to leave, followed soon after by a familiar shape turning the corner to the bay bridge. Shepard knew that shape all too well, and stroboscopic images from her dream began flashing in her mind. She averted her eyes and entered the small ship. The Colonel took the cue and entered behind her, oblivious to what may have happened.

Kaidan didn't know what to think. At the first sight of him, Shepard disappeared into the ship. Did he do something wrong?

Everything ready, the shuttle fitted to carry 9 people in 3 rows of 3 chairs left with Shepard and Kaidan sitting on opposite sides with the Colonel in one of the front seats. The ride was quick; 4 hours later they were gliding over Vancouver and landing at a secondary Alliance building. The pilot came in to open the door for the Colonel.

'I need to refuel, it won't take long. If you please, could you wait here?'

'Alright.', 'Not a problem' Kaidan and Shepard answered at the same time.

Once Kaidan saw they were alone, he turned around. 'Shepard, is there anything wrong?'

'What?' Shepard was startled from her efforts to block the images popping in her head.

'You don't seem too keen on my presence.'

'I'm sorry, Kaidan, my mind was wandering, and you arrived at a moment when I was stuck with some pretty bad memories.' _Do I get a medal for best liar?_

'Oh, alright. I don't know why I thought it would have anything to do with me.'

'Maybe it was. I didn't say it wasn't about you, just that the memories were bad.' Shepard tried to make light of it, but guessing from his hurt eyes she could see she sucker punched him.

'Yeah, hopefully I also gave you good memories to balance that out. I know I keep a few close to my heart.'

And there it was. His stark honesty, something she always liked about him. 'I'm not the best person to talk to right now, Major.'

'Ok, I can get the hint. I'll be here if you change your mind, Shepard.'

The pilot couldn't have arrived any faster. He had a worried look on his face.

'I'm sorry, Major, but I have bad news. Your apartment building was condemned and isolated by the authorities. I can't even land on its pad. Do you have anywhere else you can go to?'

'No. I don't know...' Kaidan was lost.

'Yes he does, you can drop him off at my place with me. We'll take care of everything once we get there.'

Kaidan looked at Shepard and thought to himself. _Even when she's not ok, she will still do something selfless._

oO0~0Oo

The shuttle dropped them off at her place. The area was completely intact. The shuttle landed on her exterior landing pad, beside her utility skycar.

The apartment's exterior glass was dirty and had murky splashes all over. She was on the 40th floor and she could only imagine what might have done that. The landing pad and balcony had a layer of dust that caught the imprints of their shoes.

The pilot unloaded her footlockers, and while she opened the glass door for them, he and Kaidan brought them inside. Her living room was a time capsule; it was immaculate. The glass of water she had left on the side table was still there, completely dry now. Her reading pad was next to it, battery probably drained.

Walking in, to her right was the kitchen, dishes probably still in the dishwater, so mundane. The second bedroom door was closed, the only indicative that someone had been in her apartment. Shepard always kept the wide sliding doors open to help the air sweep through the place.

'Here' – She pointed to a corner to her right, next to her bedroom door. 'Thank you. Would you like something to drink or eat? I think I still have some good stuff in my pantry.' She looked at the pilot.

'Thank you, Commander, but no. See you around when you come back to the base.' He saluted her and the Major.

'Alright. See you when I get back.'

It was the middle of the day, and the pilot left her standing alone in the centre of her living room with Kaidan. _Alright, I'm not going to make him feel uncomfortable because I have issues._

'Make yourself at home, Kaidan.' Shepard tried her most amicable tone, especially regarding how rude she was to him in the shuttle.

'Thank you, Shepard. I'll just get my bearings and go up to Revelstoke.'

'There is no rush, Kaidan. I'm also leaving. I came here just to organize some things I want to take with me and then go to Lake Bear. I can drop you off at Revelstoke if you want.'

'That would be great, Shepard.' – Kaidan looked at his small backpack at his feet.

'Don't worry. We'll go there and talk to some people. There has to be a way to go in there and get some of your things back.'

'Yeah, we'll see. You know, I was ready to be okay with losing everything, start from zero. But knowing I don't have a home anymore... feels surreal.'

'I can understand that, but you are not alone.' - She smiled. - 'Okay, let's do it like this. Do you have any laundry?'

'Yes, the few things I got at a gift shop at the Citadel. I don't have many clothing choices.' He gave a self deprecating smile while pinching his basic blue t-shirt.

'It's settled then, load the washing machine and get them cleaned. And tomorrow we'll go to your apartment. Deal?'

'Deal...' He gave a small pause and looked at her with an open expression. 'Thank you, Shepard.'

'No worry, I would never let you out in the rain, Kaidan.' - Honesty apparently did come across as she wanted to. Welcoming and friendly. – 'Now, let's see what Kasumi meant with "other essentials"'

Shepard went to the spare bedroom door, and as she slid open the door, she was welcomed with a small warehouse. The bed and desk which previously stood there were dismantled and reduced to a pile in the corner. The whole room was divided into rows with piles and piles of crates up to the ceiling, all labelled with their contents. The front crates had labels like "thermal clips" and "mods", one had a label "Quarian suit repairs" and a few others "Turian Apparel" and "Humanoid Apparel".

'Wow, she really thought of everything,' Shepard was amazed.

Kaidan came to her side and whistled. 'She really went all out, hu?'

'Yeah, I gave her about 200k in creds... Look, she even bought dextro chocolate!'

'Garrus will like that.' Kaidan had a calm smile in his voice.

'Yeah. I hope his father and sister like it too.'

'They are coming here?'

'Yes. I couldn't let them living in shelters when I knew I had a place they could use.'

'That is decent of you.'

'Anyone would do it if they could. I just want them safe.'

'Actually no, not many. But how are you going to fit everybody here? I mean, you now only have one more room with what I believe is only one bed.'

'I'm not staying here. But you are right, I need to make room for the second bed.'

'So Garrus will be staying with you at Lake Bear.'

'No… I don't know' - Shepard walked away from him, entering the full room. – 'I think I can take this bed and place it over there in the living room and close it in with these ambient dividers. This way, whoever gets this bed will still have his/her privacy.'

Kaidan didn't pry on her answer. He couldn't deny his insides lightened up a little from hearing it. 'I think it would be more work but better if we moved a few rows of boxes out and placed them on that wall. What do you think?'

'I'll need help. Would you be ok with it?'

'Of course. Besides, I've been idle ever since the last battle. I need something to do, and this looks perfect.'

'Alright. Wait.'

'What?'

'You know what? I really want to listen to music. My music from my personal playlist. Do you mind?

'Of course not. But wait, are you going to dance?'

She raised one eyebrow at him. Music. It had been so long since she could just enjoy it. Shepard turned on the stereo and ditched her cane, starting an even clumsier two-step due to her injured leg. (Just a suggestion, go here... **goo **_DOT _**gl **_SLASH _**7gL5lc** and listen with them - YT playlist link - Just remove the DOT for . and SLASH for / it'll take you to a YouTube playlist)

'Shepard, the enemies were defeated, no need to do your scary dance.'

'Ha ha ha. Very funny. At least I go for it. You, on the other hand, are just standing there too afraid of letting go.' She continued with what she had been told wasn't dance in any other culture but her own. And her own were always worrying she would make it rain or something.

Kaidan joined in with his own version of dancing. He moved well and freely. He grabbed her hand and pushed her towards him. She followed, and they were swaying through the hills and valleys of the songs.

Kaidan took a chance and pulled her towards him. She bumped into him quite graciously and laughed. Her laugh was carefree and reminded him of his dream the night before. Before she died, before his stupid reaction at Horizon. He felt his heart warming and couldn't stop himself embracing her waist and taking a small pleasure from the small contact between their bodies.

Shepard looked up at Kaidan, and she sighed. Things could have been so different. So many paths took her away from him. A few he laid for her, and the rest she trailed for herself.

'I really missed your company, Kaidan' - She was looking into his eyes.

'I missed you too, Joan' - He braced his instincts. She had always been open and to the point with her feelings. If she wanted to say more, she would. There wasn't ever a need to guess with her.

'What? Lost your groove? The music won't wait for us! Hahaha' She spun out of his arms, and he caught her hand.

'Oh, I'm just warming up, Shepard.' Kaidan couldn't look away from her face; it was open and happy, a first in a very long time. After a few songs, they parted and followed through with their task.

Moving the boxes was a good way to keep themselves occupied. With barriers and biotic fields, they took hours carefully clearing half of the room and organizing the boxes out in the living room along the wall opposite of the balcony's glass wall. Kaidan made quick work of assembling the bed back into place, and once it was pushed against the far wall next to the bathroom entrance, the place actually looked like a room, albeit a very small room, again. Half of the boxes were still there, the corridors a bit more crammed, but a person could still access everything.

Shepard went to her fridge and silently thanked Kasumi for packing it with some other types of essentials. Picking up a longneck for Kaidan and a juice pack for herself, she approached his sweating form. He had taken his shirt off part way through the organizing, and she had no complaints about it. Outside was so filthy she didn't dare open the glass door to the balcony.

'Here. I'll clean the balcony tomorrow, and this place won't be as hot. Promise.' She had a joking smile on her face while she offered him the beer.

'Don't worry. Give me a few minutes, and I'll do it.'

'Kaidan, you don't have to work for your stay here, you know?'

'Haha, I hear ya. But again, I need to move. You have no idea how I like to feel real gravity under my feet.'

Kaidan went to the landing pad armed with a broom, mop, bucket and cleaning cloths. The beats soundtracked the scene, and Shepard sat in the lounge chair facing the view. Shirtless and sweaty, no shoes, and pants rolled up his calves, he made progress on the glass wall and wooden floor. Even holding a broom, he was, for a lack of better words, dreamy. When he moved towards her car, she called him out.

'Hey, great intentions, but no.'

'Why not?'

'I have a plan. Leave the girl dirty for just one more day. By the way, be ready tomorrow at oh six hundred.'

'Alright, Commander.' His smile was heartwarming.

Once they were done and the clothes were also done, Kaidan installed himself in the guest room and went for a shower. Shepard followed suit and took care of herself. Now, dressed in her beloved t-shirt and shorts and Kaidan in the same fashion, they turned on the television and sat to watch the news.

There was more bad than good things. The sun set and they made dinner. Switching to a movie, they enjoyed the peace until it was turn out time. Wrapping up the long day, each one went to their respective room and let sleep take them.

oO0~0Oo

Waking up in her own bed was bliss. After all the morning rituals were observed, shower/breakfast they went to her skycar. The dark blue flying vehicle was a bit old but she liked that it had a lot of room, kind of like an old SUV. Shepard used to carry all things in it, and at one point actually moved from her last place to this one using the old girl.

'Huh...' The incredulous sound came from Kaidan.

'What?'

'Can this thing fly?'

'Don't bash the old girl! She's a loyal supporter. Aren't you, sweetie?' Shepard patted the vehicle's hood.

'It's just... I never pictured you with a car like this.'

'What? Why? She's seen battle, she's reliable. She's like a car me.'

'Well, when you put it like that...' He gave a quiet laugh.

'Oh, just help me lower the back seats to get the footlockers in the back, and get in!'

'How do you plan to get into my building?'

'Oh, I have a few plans. You do remember we are Alliance and SPECTRES, right?'

'Fair point.'

They left for Kaidan's apartment and were presented with a terrifying sight. His 60 story building was at a scary angle. Probably a 25-30 degree inclination leaning on the adjacent side building. The other building was the only thing keeping both structures up. The area around it was completely isolated.

'Shepard, I can't believe it!'

'How is that thing still standing?'

'Your guess is as good as mine.'

'Which apartment is yours?'

'It's on the 33rd floor. There, that's my balcony.'

Kaidan's apartment was facing out, opposite to the inclination; his balcony was accessible and empty.

'Kaidan...' Shepard's voice was full of mischief.

'What?'

'Do you see anyone around?'

'No, why?'

'What are the main things you need from there?'

'Well, first of all clothing, and a few other things. Important things.'

'I have an idea, but we have to be quick.'

'Shepard, what are you thinking?' His tone was slightly worried.

'You can see there's still some skycars on a few floors right? Well, will they notice one more?'

'Shepard, are you insane? That's why you wanted the car dirty. So people who looked up thought the car was has always been there and there is nothing going on.'

'Very astute, Major.' Shepard just gave him a level look. He knew that look. It was the same look she gave him before going to Ilos, before they raided the Geth base only 3 against a whole ship.

'Alright, what's the plan?' Kaidan assumed mission mode.

'I'm going to park at the centre of your balcony. It's a good thing the girl is filthy and will blend perfectly. We are going to slide the car door open and leave it like that, get the footlockers, and take them to the places with the things you need to pack. What are your main targets?'

'Bedroom needs 2 footlockers, living room one footlocker near the bookcase. There is nothing in the kitchen.'

'Only one bedroom?'

'Yes.'

'Alright. Let's go around and do a visual sweep for any lookouts. You check right, I left.'

'Alright, Commander.' He looked at her, his face alight with good humour.

'Let's do this, Major.' She mimicked his expression. The small thrill of this little "mission" was actually pleasant.

She parked, the hovering skycar didn't add any weight to the building's structure and their added weight wasn't really an issue when considering the scale of the structure.

The balcony was as dirty as hers, even more so. There was little wind, but the soft breeze made the whole structure groan. - 'If they don't demolish this soon, this building is going to demolish itself!' - Shepard noted.

'Agreed. See the fracture lines on this balcony? This is not going to last much longer. We better hurry.'

The inclination angle made the apartment's tiled floor even more slippery, but like clockwork, they went to their goals. She was still in pain but didn't need her cane anymore.

They opened his closet, and the smell of him swallowed her. Her devious mind bombarded her with luscious images that made her blush. But no matter how good her time with him was, she loved Garrus and that levelled her mind back to reality.

Clearing out his essentials, roughly fitting as much as possible in the footlockers, they managed to get most of his things. Some things were of clear value, pieces of expensive clothing, watches, computer and external drives. Shepard approached his bed and picked up a wooden box.

'Kaidan, this looks important.' She held the box to him.

'Thank you, I was actually looking for it.' He took it and carefully placed it inside the footlocker.

'Alright, anything else from here?'

'No. I'm going to take these to the car, can you start packing the bookcase, please?'

Shepard paid attention to each step she took. She managed to reach the bookcase and quickly packed the sparse contents. There was still room in the box, but after making sure with him there was nothing else, they were ready to leave.

The building gave a loud groan, and they made haste. Kaidan had the footlocker, and Shepard maneuvered through his furniture as fast as she could. They reached the skycar and only now noticed that the balconies from the second apartment on this floor had collapsed.

'Let's get out of here! NOW!' Shepard ordered.

When the car lifted off, the balcony where they stood seconds ago gave in and was hanging by threads of steel, oddly levelling out the inclination.

'Oh, now that we left, the balcony decides to help out and level out for us…'

'Shepard, you are insane at times, did you know that?'

Her answer was a cheshire grin. Their laughter filled the car. Shepard and Kaidan went back to her place, and the excitement was still with them while they made lunch.

'Shepard, do you have any idea what would have happened if we had gotten caught? If the building had started to collapse?'

'We would have made it. We always do.' She gave a somber laugh.

'Just crazy.'

oO0~0Oo


	15. Chapter 15

**Hello Dear readers. Here you go. **

**Have Fun!**

* * *

Chapter 15

Getting to Shepard's apartment, they sat down on the living room couch.

'That was a crazy stunt, Shepard.'

'I know. But it worked. We're alive, and you have your things. It's all good.'

'Yeah, if you say so.'

'Kaidan, lighten up. If the balcony had collapsed, the skycar would still be floating in place. All we would have needed to do was to activate its remote manoeuvring and gotten it closer to the doors.'

'Alright, maybe you are right'

'So, here's the plan now. We can empty out one of the crates, actually move the contents of two of them and stock the pantry. Remove all levo food from it and leave the dextro.'

'You are really not staying?'

'No, I need to go home.'

'I thought this was home.'

'No, this is a stop, a place in between. I like to keep things organized, separate.'

'I get that.'

Another afternoon organizing, each piece of clothing she took from her closet made her calmer. Shepard didn't know why, but she had a desperate need to be in her home, alone, in peace. Images of Edi came to her mind. When her only self manifestation was something akin to a holo-chess piece. _She used to make jokes even then._

Shepard cleared her closet, boxing some things and placing them in the corner of her living room. Others she packed to take with her. Kaidan did the same and he was almost done when she, being done herself, sat on the couch next to him.

'What have you got there?'

Kaidan had the box from his bedroom in his hand. It fitted generously in both his hands, it was made of wood and had intricate detailing on its edges.

'It's beautiful.'

'Yeah, it was my mom's. She gave it to me when I was deployed my first time.' He opened the box.

Shepard quietly watched Kaidan's strong and precise fingers sort through pictures and small objects. A tag, a small crystal elephant, a few stones, labels, the box was filled with a plethora of mementos.

'This'. – He held the small elephant – 'Was my grandmother's. My grandfather kept it next to him until his last moments at the hospital, long after nana died.' – The small animal fitted neatly in the middle of his palm.

'It's beautiful.'

'Yes. My grandmother died at 30 when grandpa was only 35. They had my father and my uncle and grandpa took care of them alone, he never remarried. He used to say that his one chance had come and gone and he would honour her memory by taking care of their kids and family.'

'That is very honourable of him'.

'Yeah, he used to say honour and loyalty defined the Alenko family.' He turned the animal against a stray ray of sunshine flooding in through the glass wall. The piece made small rainbows all over the wall.

'I can see that your grandfather was right. I was lucky to have had an Alenko in my team.'

'Well, that's debatable. If I were that honourable and loyal, Horizon wouldn't have happened. You wouldn't have almost shot me while trying to save the council...'

'I know. But we all strive to do our best, to be our best. But there is no perfection. As long as our mistakes don't outweigh the right things we do, we'll be alright.'

'I could never be like you, Shepard. Something in me is always distrustful. I will always question even the things I know are completely right and proven.' Kaidan looked into her eyes. His expression was sad and remorseful.

'I know.' Shepard looked away, suddenly the dirty skycar parked outside was extremely interesting.

'Shepard...'

She looked back at him. 'Kaidan, what happened is in the past. I won't put you in that position again. I respect your limits.'

'Shepard, that was a mistake, not a limit.' His eyes were looking intently into hers.

'And I have forgiven you.' She didn't look away this time, but her stance was closed.

'I know.' She had forgiven him, but he had lost her trust, and with it any chance to have her back.

Shepard looked into his hand, and he was now holding a small clear rock. It was the size of his thumb. It shone and refracted any shred of light that hit it. She remembered that rock all too well. She found it on a moon right after clearing out a geth outpost and had given it to him, the same day they had their last moment together, right before she died. It was a diamond. Probably worth millions.

'You still have it?' Her voice was small. Maybe too small.

'Yes.' - He held it up. – 'Do you remember when you gave me this?'

'Yes... I'm flattered you still have it.' – Shepard moved away from him on the couch. She needed some space between them. Her heart was being flooded with ghost feelings from the past. They clouded her feelings for Garrus. – 'You could have sold it. It's probably worth a fortune.'

'It's worth a lot more than that. I could never part with it.' – His low raspy voice was inebriating.

A not so small part in her swooned at his words. _This was a mistake. I cannot let anyone in anymore._ Shepard stood up. 'I'm going out. We leave tomorrow morning.'

'I'm sorry, Shepard. I didn't mean to...'

'It's alright. I need some fresh air.'

'You don't have to leave.'

'Yes, I do.'

oO0~0Oo

Shepard took off in her skycar. She drove aimlessly, to nowhere in particular until all buildings were gone. She found a small hilltop to park and watched the sunset. Sitting alone in the car's hood she felt she was getting what she deserved. The pain she felt in her chest over her deed dulled in the presence of a new type of pain, of being alone and away from her loved ones. It made her feel empty but oddly at peace.

Edi and Legion's face kept appearing in her mind. When Legion had confessed he still had the Reaper code fragment within him, he was ashamed. The AI was so embarrassed with what he had done. His head low, the optic receiver had an admonished cast to it. Even with a platform made to be utilitarian and not necessarily relatable, she did relate to him then. When he was caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar.

The sky was orange now. Autumn was almost here and the cold started to creep its tendrils in the wind. The clouds were golden and the treetops looked gilded. The chilled wind rustled the leaves, and they became a golden dance of light and dark, swaying at nature's whim.

_I fought for this. I murdered for this. All is safe, but am I worth it?_

The little voice that whispered the answer inside her filled her with dread.

oO0~0Oo

Kaidan stayed on the couch looking towards the balcony for a long time. Shepard had left so fast he could almost have swore she was never injured, that she had ditched her cane only this morning. He knew he was pushing his luck, but there was something wrong with her, and he could see it in every move, in every look she gave him.

Something hollowed her out, took away a part of her. _I'm afraid of what may happen to her_.

oO0~0Oo

Shepard arrived later that day. Kaidan had stowed all his things, and his and Shepard's footlockers were piled near the balcony glass door. She found Kaidan sitting on the couch watching some nonsense late night tv. He looked as if only his body was present in front of her, and his mind was somewhere else.

'Hi, Kaidan'.

Kaidan turned to look at Shepard, his eyes locking in on her. 'Hello, Shepard.'

'Is everything packed?'

'Yes.' He pointed to the stack of boxes behind her.

'Alright, we leave tomorrow at oh eight hundred.'

'Shepard...'

'Goodnight, Kaidan.'

'Goodnight, Shepard.'

oO0~0Oo

On the way to Revelstoke, a good 6 hour flight upstate, Shepard reached for the skycar's stereo.

'What are you doing?' – Kaidan's voice held a small note of panic.

'I need music' – She looked at him point blank.

'You do realise I'm trapped here with you, right?' – He tried to contain a laugh.

'I'm not that bad, Kaidan.' – Shepard held some defensiveness in her voice.

'Dogs can hear you from miles away.'

'Well, then you better join in, because I can't dance while driving' – She had a mischievous grin on her face.

Kaidan gave a hearty laugh. - 'Alright, go all out!' - He joined in with his raspy blues voice and for that small pocket of time, all was well.

The remainder of the drive was uneventful. He had indeed joined in and for a few hours they were just two persons enjoying music.

The Orchard was at the edge of the city. It was settled on a vast patch of land filled with trees and a couple of sections of organised patches. From the skycar's perspective high up in the sky, Shepard could see a modest greenhouse to the side of the house. The picture the property presented was breathtaking.

They approached the house. The building was completely in tune with the scenery. The big house was rock and adobe, wide and square, full of paned windows. The size of the building made it look as if in the past it had housed a large family.

'This place has been in my family forever. I think... seven generations... my great great great however many great's father built it back in the 1950s.'

'It's beautiful.' – Her voice was soft with admiration.

'Thanks, it's my parent's.

'My mom loves to take care of the gardens and the orchard.'

'I can see that she is an artist.'

'Tell her that and you will win 1000 brownie points with her.'

'Ha ha, we'll see.'

They landed near the entrance. The front lawn had a great long gravel path that ended with a parking area near the house. Kaidan got out of the vehicle and before he reached the front door, a woman burst out of the house running down the steps and engulfed, what Shepard thought was her son, with one huge mother's hug.

Shepard stayed back, sitting on the vehicle's driver seat. She witnessed the exchange and panic crept up her spine. That woman looked like a mother bear, and she will probably be as loving with her as she was with her own son.

She was beautiful. She was a little shorter than Kaidan and had wavy black hair down to her mid back, her skin had a golden tan, the type only people who originated from the southern continent were able to have, all set on a beautiful and curvaceous frame. From afar, Shepard could see how mother and son resembled each other, even down to the lion honey eyes.

'My son.'

'Yes, mom, I'm home.'

_Is he blushing?_ - Shepard thought.

'What took you so long?'

'I came as fast as I could, mom, sorry.'

'You better be, the war is over and not a single word from you for weeks. I've been checking my inbox at all hours!'

'I'm sorry, mom. We got stranded for almost 2 weeks with no comms' - Kaidan hung his head low.

'Oh, pff' - She kissed the top of his head – 'You are here, and that's all that matters.'

The mom took a long look of her son. She scanned for visible bruises or scars. He was a bit on the thinner side but she would remedy that in no time. – 'Who is that?' - She pointed at the skycar.

That is my S.O, Commander Shepard. She gave me a ride up here on her way to her place.

Shepard realised she had been noticed and she had no choice but to get out of the car and greet Kaidan's mother.

'Mom, this is Shepard, Joan Shepard. Shepard, this is my mom Luana Alenko.'

'Hello Mrs Alenko.' - Shepard extended her hand.

'Oh, don't give me that! Come here, Joan.' - the woman embraced Shepard in the same fashion as she did her son.

Shepard never had a problem with physical contact. She has always been open when it came to showing affection, good and bad. That moment was different. The dread boiling up inside her was beginning to choke her. She was unworthy. Bracing herself, she hugged the kind woman back.

'Okay, Mrs… Luana.' - Shepard closed the interaction with a shy smile.

'All right, you need to unpack. You are probably hungry, yes. I'll make a late lunch for the two of you. You can tell me all your adventures later. Come in, c'mon...' - She gestured as if shooing them inside.

When Shepard entered the house she was welcomed by the coziest, homeliest sight. The interior was beautifully decorated with woods and soft fabrics. The plain soft cream walls were a perfect backdrop for the oak bookcases filled with old paper books, a rarity these days, shelves filled with generation's worth of crystal knickknacks and small curiosities. The living room was spacious and it felt as if it took you back in time, to an era where things were simpler, analogical.

'Make yourself at home, Joan. The food will be ready in 30 minutes or so.'

'Mom, it's all right' – Kaidan chimed in after seeing the look of utter unease on Shepard's face.

Luana Alenko gave her son a look that nixed all his efforts.

'Kaidan, let your mother pamper you.' – Shepard stepped in, ditching her apprehension.

Kaidan looked at Shepard with a bit of a surprise. - 'Alright, I'm not going to stand in her way.'

Luana watched the scene and saw stamped on her son's face the love he had for that woman and that it was she who broke his heart all those years ago. He denied it but she knew her son. He was devastated for a long time. He was never the same.

'All right, I'm glad we understand each other. I'll be in the kitchen. Take the time and unpack. I'm sure you'll stay for a few days, right Joan?'

'Mrs Al... Luana, there's no need; I can make it to Bear Lake before midnight if I leave now.'

'Bear Lake! But that is 10 hours away! Absolutely not. You are staying here for at least a couple days. Docinho, honey, go and take yours and her things inside. The guest room is okay to be used.'

'Mrs Luana, I assure you, there's no need.'

'Three days. The more you object, the longer you'll stay. And call me Mrs or Mrs Alenko one more time, and I'll conscript you to help me harvest the rest of the orchard. Are we clear?'

'Yes ma'am... Luana!' - Shepard smiled as she observed the beautiful woman go through a door that looked like it gave way to the kitchen.

'Yeah, that's my mom.'

'I see, major.'

'She's bossy, but she means well. Kind of like somebody else I know.'

'Oh, really? I wonder who? Docinho...'

'Oh god, you heard that, didn't you?' – Even his ears were red at that moment.

'Yup! Loud and clear, Docinho.' - The smile on her face was hard to contain.

'C'mon, let's unpack our things.'

'We sure will, Docinho...' – She bursted out laughing.

'Shepard!'

Oo0~0Oo

Lunch came, and it was filled with baby stories and tales of Docinho's wild years. From the moment they sat at the table until the last forkful of food, Kaidan was beet red, unable to stop his mother from digging up even the most obscure stories about him.

'And that's how I found him. Butt naked running around the trees.' - The video evidence of Kaidan's childhood shenanigans was up from Luana's omni-tool. – 'Look at how adorable he was when he was little.' – Luana's proud motherly admiration rolled off of her in waves.

'So, Kaidan, I didn't know you were that averse to bathing. There was nothing like that in your personnel files!' – Shepard had been infected by Luana's good spirits.

'Very funny! Yes, back then I was a big believer on saving water.' – Kaidan couldn't hold his smile, even if it was to save his life. Looking at the table, everything was perfect. All that was missing was his father and Shepard as his girlfriend or even his wife.

The food was fantastic. Luana was Brazilian and if looks didn't tip you in, her cooking made that beyond clear. She served them a simple mix of rice with beans, angú and a juicy steak. Accompanied with something she called farofa and fried bananas. Absolutely delicious.

After lunch, Kaidan took it upon himself to clean up while Shepard in Luana sat in the living room talking.

'You have a beautiful home, Luana. The grounds outside are just as beautiful' - Luana's calm demeanour reminded Shepard of the times she found Kaidan in silent contemplation at the Normandy's observatory. - '

'Thank you, Joan. It is an honour to have you here.'

'Hm? Why do you say that?' – Shepard was confused.

'I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier, but I do recognise you from the videos. Looking like you and with the surname Shepard, it's hard not to connect the dots.'

'Ah. But honestly I didn't do everything by myself. I had Kaidan and a very capable crew and allies helping me along the way, and I wouldn't have been able to do anything without them. It was, if nothing else, a group effort.'

'I know that the media sometimes can paint people in an over exaggerated light, but do not take away the merit of your feats. I believe the whole Galaxy is thankful to you.'

'I appreciate you saying this, Luana. But please, I'm just a soldier.'

'I won't mention this again, but I do appreciate it. I especially appreciate you bringing my son back to me, thank you.' – Luana took Shepard's hand, gave it a light squeeze and then let it go.

'You have a very capable son, he is one of a few, and the Alliance is lucky to have him. I'm proud of having had him on my team.' – The honesty in Shepard's words was palpable.

'How long have you known each other?'

'It's going to be... I believe... 18 months total, not counting the two years I was away, and we sort of lost contact during that period. Have you heard from your husband?'

'So far, only that he's MIA. Anton… Once, he was MIA once, I've been in this place before, if he is alive, he will come home.'

'I understand what you're saying. My family's Alliance, and it never gets easy.'

'Are your parents all right? Have they survived the war?'

'Kind of. My father is well, I met him at the Luna base after my final mission. My mother died when I was 15; we were never close.'

'Militarily service, it runs in the family, doesn't it? Anton's family had a long line of military service even before the Alliance was created. When Kaidan was born, I knew he would join too.'

'It must have been hard to see him leave, to know that he would risk his life on a daily basis.'

'I didn't have much choice, especially after the eezo accident and the first biotics being found. We had to ship him to BAaT and after that, militarily service seemed like the only option back then.'

'I had kind of the same orientation. It was all new back then and to top the fact I lived in space ships my whole life, when my parents suspected that I was a biotic, they shipped me off for 2 years to an assari military and civilian base for training. After that, my path was pretty much set.'

'Mom, everything is in place.' – Kaidan entered the living room.

'Obrigada, Docinho. Shepard, if you'll excuse me, I have some things to do. Docinho, take good care of our guest.'

'Don't worry, mom, I will.'

'Thank you. It was great talking to you, Luana.'

'Goodbye, Docinho. Shepard.'

Shepard saw Luana leave the room and Kaidan looked like he wanted to talk.

'I'm going to take a walk outside. See you later Kaidan,'

Oo0~0Oo


	16. Chapter 16

**Hello Dear readers. Here's another one. My schedule will be off a little, there probably won't be a chap this next saturday nov. 8th. But next wed will definitely be another one.**

**Love you all! Have fun!... aaaaand leave some feedback. It's always welcome!**

* * *

**Chapter** 16

Shepard stood up and made her way into the guest bedroom first. She felt her chest constricting in on her and she knew it always felt better when she was alone. Setting up to organize her things, she entered the bedroom and was welcomed by a big but still comfortable room. It had peacock blue walls and gold accents on the wood in the dresser and a large couple's bed. It had a soft and plush white cover detailed with floral curlicues that reminisced the gold details of the furniture. The night stands were just as delicate and had beautiful white marble tops.

Shepard's soldier's eyes feasted on the colours presented to her, the softness and the welcoming feeling the place gave her sat strangely comfortable within her. She has always been utilitarian with her things and although her decoration skills were colourful, she was never able to go beyond a simple design._ I guess years of war and battles haven't beaten everything out of me yet..._

If she was going to spend 3 days there, she needed to set a few of her things in place. Thankfully she had packed a quick pack for a week's worth of clothing. Her initial plans were to arrive home and just be there for a few days before even begin to think to start unpacking.

Her clothing choices were for her alone time and the few dresses, basic underwear for sleeping and not too many more choices made her consider braving into one of her packed footlockers. But the work it would take to go through them to find more modest and casual clothing made her bristle at the mess it would make.

Tooth and hair brush in place, her next change of clothing set on top of the dresser Shepard felt ready to explore the grounds. She felt oddly at home but knew this was just a phantom feeling. Sooner or later the flashbacks would make an appearance and although she didn't need any more reminders of how terrible she felt, her brain managed to keep popping those memories back, torturing her relentlessly. over and over again.

Oo0~0Oo

Stepping outside the front door, she found her skycar parked to the side of the main house - _Kaidan must have moved it_ - a light breeze picked up the leaves on the ground and Shepard took in the full majesty of the place. The adobe home stood proud surrounded by bushes that still kept some of its green in the face of the coming autumn.

Shepard took the left gravel path and went in to the garden which spanned most of the property. The crunch of the small rocks resonated with the rustle of the leaves. Most birds would have probably flown south by now. That is, if they hadn't been caught in the crossfire. Preservation laws in the late 2070's helped to save and repopulate several species but now… _I murdered for this_…

Shepard kept walking. The bushes and dormant flower beds slowly gave wayto taller trees. Some trees were new, thin and elegant, they cast delicate shades and the dwindling sun languidly played with its leaves.

A few more metres in, Shepard came up to a big and thick old maple tree. It was a curious one because it didn't stand straight up from the ground. It twisted here and there, its branches reaching far with its red and gold leaves. Looking at it Shepard felt small, young, and insignificant. That tree was probably planted not long after the house was built. The mossy trunk hid and showed its bark in an intricate pattern of greens and browns.

The plethora of autumnal colours flooded Shepard's mind, the smells of earth and green and the faint sweet maple perfume enveloped her being and she was taken back to the days where everything was easier, swimming in the lake near her grandparent's home. Soaking wet, walking barefoot through the grass at the end of the day, back to her home for the summer to have dinner.

Shepard continued walking aimlessly through the property. Taking her time, taking in all the colours and details. She was right. Solitude was the best way to deal with everything that has happened. Her mind and heart were at peace and the countless AI voices that screamed at her inside her head were silenced. Edi's face didn't bring as much pain as it usually did when she remembered it.

'Ahumm. Shepard, Joan?' Kaidan called her with a soft voice.

'Yes, Kaidan?' Shepard was still bathed in the calm she found. Her mind still swimming in that lake.

'We better get inside, it's freezing out here. The weather here is a lot colder than in the city.' A spark of worry lit inside him.

'Hmmm?'

'Joan, your lips are bluish and you're paler than ever.' _What happened to you?_

Shepard raised her hands to look at them and noticed that the sun had set. The only light source was a lamp post near her and some scattered garden lights here and there. She was wearing a thin long sleeve t-shirt. Not much of a barrier to protect her from the elements.

'Don't worry, I can handle the cold quite well.' Shepard looked at Kaidan and turned to look back at the dimly lit landscape in front of her.

'Joan, please come. It's late.'

Shepard started walking towards the house. Kaidan fell into step next to her. - 'You better take a bath when we get inside, to take away the cold. I'll show you how to fill that bathtub. That thing is old and temperamental...'

Walking in silence,Kaidan could see that Shepard wasn't really there. If he didn't know her well, he would swear she was on drugs or something. He took her inside, to her room and went straight to the bathroom to ready a bath for her. After fighting with the big tub, the old relic started to fill with warm water. Kaidan dropped a spoonful of lavender oil in it, he knew how much she loved the scent.

Shepard came up to him as he was leaving the bathroom. She looked at her former lover and the memories of Horizon didn't bother her as they used to. She lifted her hand and looking into his lion honey eyes, caressed his stubbly cheek.

'Thank you, Kaidan.'

'Your hand is like ice.' Kaidan pressed her hand on his face with his own. - 'You're welcome, Joan.' - The chill was stubborn, refused to go away. - _Didn't she notice how cold she was?_ – He searched her brown eyes and she was missing something. A spark of life, it was as if she was hollow on the inside.

'I'll turn in after the bath. Please tell your mom I appreciate her hospitality.' She took her hand away.

'Yes, I will.'

Oo0~0Oo

The smell of rotting flesh assaulted his senses. The rhythmic fire of the AA guns at the drop site boomed inside his skull and the flood of adrenaline sharpened his senses.

'We need to disable those guns. We need to head east.' Garrus' unique voice steered his attention towards their goal.

Shepard was in the back, sniping the targets he snapped freezed and he Reaved the targets so Garrus could finish them off.

'Scratch one!' The turian kept yelling.

Through crumbled buildings and piles of corpses, they pressed on... All went dark, confusion, the horror of the battle pressing in. Kaidan stood at a corner in the camp area, - _It was an honour serving by your side Shepard. -_ saying a lacklustre goodbye to the love of his life. This was their final battle...

A new scene emerged and suddenly, Brutes came out of nowhere, first two then four, Banshees and Cannibals, the cannons were charging, waiting to aim at the reaper. Suddenly, weightlessness, piercing pain on his legs and arm, the metallic taste of his blood flooded his mouth. The deafening sound of gunfire faded into darkness.

'KAIDAN!'

Kaidan came to and heard Joan calling his name from afar. - _Don't worry, Joan, the battle is over, we won._ – He felt his helmet being pushed aside, he opened his eyes and saw on her face a mask of despair. – _I'm alright, my love. You can let me sleep now._ – Kaidan lifted his hand to touch her shoulder, her armour was broken in several places and stained in red in too many of them. – _Joan, we should take you to Dr. Chakwas. You're hurt._

'We've got 2 left, they're flanking us. I'll try to hold them back! Go get him!' Garrus prompted.

'Give me your doses of Medi-gel! We'll lose him!'

'Joan? What's going on?'

'Kaidan, sweetie, you're injured and you're bleeding. Stay still.'

Kaidan realized the battle was still raging on. Shepard's voice was eerily soft. considering what was going on around them. He felt a sharp pain on his neck, followed by a secondary sharp pain. The medication ran on his bloodstream waking him up and repairing the damage on his arm and leg. He had been shot there, His head no longer hurt. He remembered, he was tossed like a ragdoll and hit the side of the building.

'Kaidan! Kaidan... Look at me.'

His and hers helmet were open, he saw the tears in her eyes and his heart broke at seeing her like that. His awareness sharpened and Garrus' effective tactics had left them with one last enemy.

'Don't leave me, Kaidan. Please...' Kaidan could see her closing her eyes and opening them back at him. The love he saw in them was fierce and endless.

An eternity passed in the two minutes it took for the medi-gel to act fully inside him. He spent that eternity soaking in the new knowledge that she still loved him. She loved the Turian, but she also loved him, and there was no denying that.

Kaidan stood up, with feet firmly planted on the ground, standing a hairsbreadth away from her, he took one of her hands and held it tight. He looked into her eyes and with a quiet voice he vowed.

'I will never leave you, Joan. I'm yours now and always.'

Oo0~0Oo

Kaidan woke up tangled in his sheets. His room was too hot. The damn old heater would always either freeze him to death or cook him until well done. Lying on his bed, looking at the ceiling, all he could see was the fierceness in her eyes. The life and bravery she used to have in her. _'She's broken...'_

The notification's light on his omni-tool was softly blinking, catching his attention. The tool had always been set to turn on when he wakes up. There was only one message on the screen. _'What does Liara want?'_

Oo0~0Oo

Shepard woke up still feeling dazed. A small part inside her noticed how she could alternate from desperation, to empty cheerfulness, and back to numbness. Hope sprung inside her, two more days and she'll be able to let herself fade into nothingness.

Ready for breakfast, the red t-shirt dress she was wearing did nothing to lift her mood. That piece of clothing had so many memories attached. Happy memories, something she didn't deserve to have anymore. _Then why did I pack it?_

The mirror in front of her shamelessly lied. It showed someone she would never be again. A simple woman, with wild, long dark brown curls and eyes, pale skin on a fit frame. Looking down at her leather riding boots, she craved the sound of gravel crunching under them.

But now, it was time to play a part. Be respectful and appreciative of Ms. Alenko's hospitality.

Oo0~0Oo


End file.
